


Of Medals and Prizes

by Seeress



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Canon compliant post-Pyeongchang, Did someone ask for Angst?, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Future Fic, Javi hugs Yuzu, M/M, Sad, Sweet, Yuzu kisses Javi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-05-02 00:44:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14532987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seeress/pseuds/Seeress
Summary: 3 years post-Pyeongchang.  Yuzuru has come to ask Javier a question.





	1. A Question Asked and Answered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javi knows a lot of truths about Yuzuru. Some are simple, some complicated. And there are some he never dared to say.

[ Still awake? Can i come over? ]

Javi read the text from Yuzuru with a raised eyebrow but sent back a quick affirmative and room number.

It’s been 3 years since his bronze in Pyeongchang. Javi still competed in Euros the year after, but went on full retirement at the end of that season. For the last 2 years, he’s been based in Madrid, attending ice shows in three different continents. It was a good life; not everyone can say they were being paid to do something they love. It was also a good way to keep in touch with friends. 

Javi invariably saw Yuzuru in the ice shows in Japan during skating off-season. It was different from when they were rinkmates and saw each other practically everyday, but the lack of tension that being rivals brought also gave them easier dynamics. When they first see each other, Yuzuru would always greet him with a long, tight hug, muttering _i missed you_ to his neck, and be extra affectionate for the next couple of days, hugging Javi often, until they eventually settle into the rhythm of the ice tour. Javi returned the hugs just as tight, years of practice making him adept at ignoring the emotions that well up inside him. It was almost like their early days in Toronto. The older skaters were used to it, and the younger ones, well, they eventually get used to it. 

At 30, Javi was definitely one of the uncles in the group. Some of the skaters here weren’t even in the senior circuit when he first semi-retired. Technically, Yuzuru was one as well but he always seemed to be in the middle of whatever shenanigan was happening regardless. Yuzuru being Yuzuru, and this being Japan, he was treated by staff and crew like a cross between rock star and benevolent deity. Yuzuru was unfailingly polite and usually went out of his way to make people feel more comfortable but they never quite lose their awe of him, their laughter at his jokes always held a tinge of nervousness. It was better with the older skaters, those who knew Yuzuru when he was still a thin strip of a boy with long arms, and a penchant for shiny costumes. But the younger ones, most of whom had hung Yuzuru's posters on their bedroom walls as they were growing up, never quite see him as anything other than 2-time Olympic gold medalist Yuzuru Hanyu. 

Javi opened the door to the knock and Yuzuru stepped inside. Yuzuru turned and gave Javi a hug. Yuzuru was freshly showered and smelled of the same citrusy shampoo that he used in all the years they were together in Toronto. Javi inhaled and recalled better days. Yuzuru stepped back and Javi had to smile. The years had been very kind to Yuzuru. At 26, he has finally lost the teenage boy look and has firmly landed on this side of adult as a beautiful, young man. Javi spared a moment to miss the soft, chubby cheeked Yuzuru but this version was, truth be told, equally fine.

Yuzuru had announced his retirement from competitive figure skating at the Worlds gala three weeks ago. This year would be the last time he would reign as Olympic, Grand Prix, and Worlds champion. The figure skating community is still in shock. Given his great run this season, people had expected Yuzuru to be at the Beijing Olympics next year to defend his title; the successful defense of his Worlds title just adding to the certainty. But Javi knew better. Yuzuru’s ankle and knee won’t take him past this season. Yuzuru defended his Worlds title through sheer force of will, but there wasn’t enough left to get him to Beijing. As it is, Yuzuru would spend the rest of his life icing his knees and ankles, favoring his back, the pain in his joints telling him when a cold front would arrive days before it actually hits. Much like Javi himself.

Yuzuru called Javi the night he won Worlds. Javi had watched the podium ceremony, and the press interviews, and knew that Yuzuru had probably just gone up to his hotel room. He looked tired on the small phone screen. Javi expected more exuberance from the newly crowned winner and said so. Yuzuru smiled, affirmed that he was happy with the win, that he skated his best, and couldn’t have been prouder of himself. Yuzuru told Javi of his decision to retire. His team already knew; they prepared for Worlds to be his last competition; he wanted as perfect a skate as he could do for the world to remember him by. Yuzuru didn’t exactly sound sad, just quiet, pensive. Javi knew that, ultimately, Yuzuru only competed with his own self, and that night he won a beautiful victory.

Javi didn’t question that Yuzuru called him the night of his momentous decision. Their bond was forged in ice, and tempered through years of pain, sweat, and tears. It stretched beyond Javi’s retirement and loss of daily contact.

It has been three years since they last shared a podium together. Yuzuru had continued to soar while Javi stepped back from the limelight and tried to make sense of the retired life at just 27 years old. He started some coaching classes, had tie-ups with Brian in Toronto, and did ice shows. His friends had started marrying off one by one, and going out in clubs filled with people ten years younger than him began to lose its appeal. His mother started hinting at wanting grandkids. Three months ago, Javi proposed to his girlfriend. They’ve been dating for a little over a year by then. She was beautiful, smart, and did caricatures that made him laugh. She couldn’t sing but was an excellent cook. She looked great in heels. His friends and family liked her. It was time.

They sent out the invitations a month ago. He sent one to Brian and Tracy each, with a handwritten note saying he would take it as a personal favor if they could come. He also sent one to Yuzuru. Javi couldn’t quite decide if he wanted Yuzuru to come or not.

His feelings for Yuzuru have always been... _complicated_. He values Yuzuru certainly. The 6 years they spent together in Toronto had shaped Javi, in the same way that he also imprinted himself on Yuzuru. He wishes Yuzuru success - his breath catches and his stomach feels leaden whenever Yuzuru takes a spill, and he never quite relaxes until Yuzuru gets up again. These are truths he can say to the press which, until now, still ask him about his former training mate.

If he’s honest, Javi will admit that back then, especially when his practice was not going well, he resented Yuzuru a little for being too good for mere mortals like Javi to beat. At the same time, Javi was in awe of Yuzuru’s magnificence on the ice. Yuzuru would take to the ice and time would stand still for Javi, as he drinks in the beauty and grace that is somehow not quite of this world. This is not the best mindset when looking at your rival for the top of the podium but Yuzuru moves Javi the way only the cold ice beneath his skates ever did. Javi will readily admit that he really likes Yuzuru - he’s sweet and funny and considerate when he’s not focused on training or intense in competition - but Javi never cared for the toxic, highly pressurized environment that surrounds Yuzuru that, by extension, also used to affect Javi. The media attention, the screaming fans, and the need for bodyguards changes Yuzuru into someone else. It’s not exactly fake, but it’s not real either. Javi much prefers the Yuzuru he sees at the TCC during daily practice, a Yuzuru that is both softer and harder at the same time, a dichotomy of easy smiles and edges so sharp they can cut. These are more complicated truths that are harder to explain to people.

And then there are the truths that Javi has always known but has never dared to say.

Yuzuru now stands politely in the middle of Javi’s hotel room, looking around. 

“Let me guess,” said Javi, “they gave you a bigger room.”

Yuzuru nods. “A suite, yes.”

“Figures. At least I don’t have to share this room. Perks of being a senior.” Javi really didn’t mind though. The show organizers made sure that their skaters are comfortable. And he knew that Yuzuru always travelled with a team. A suite would make better sense, giving Yuzuru some privacy when his people are in the ante-room.

“Come, sit,” Javi said, gesturing to both the bed and chair by the writing desk. Yuzuru chose the edge of the bed. Javi leaned his hip on the table but remained standing.

Yuzuru looked tired and Javi told him so. The group has been together for a few days now, learning the choreography. Retired skaters like Javi needed more time to practice their individual programs but the younger skaters - fresh from skating season - were ready with their exhibition or toned-down versions of their competitive programs. Yuzuru was caught up in a media blitz after his win and announcement, and only joined them that afternoon. 

“I am a little. But I wanted to talk now. While I’m still feeling brave,” said Yuzuru.

Javi frowned. “What do you need to be brave for?” he asked.

Yuzuru hesitated. “You don’t want small talk first?” Yuzuru said. 

Javi raised an eyebrow. “That bad, huh?”

“I don’t know if it’s bad. It’s why I want to ask”, Yuzuru said with nervous smile, tucking his hair behind one ear.

“What is it, Yuzu?” Javi said.

Yuzuru took a deep breath, seeming to brace himself, then held Javi’s gaze. “I wanted to ask if there’s a chance. If you still loved me,” Yuzuru said, voice soft but firm.

Javi felt like someone had hit his chest with a sandbag. If someone had asked him why Yuzuru wanted to see him tonight, this conversation would have been the farthest thing on his mind.

Javi had loved Yuzuru. He had spent years doing his best to make Yuzuru laugh, when hearing the joyous sound was its own reward. Yuzuru had a certain smile that Javi thinks he only gives to him, and Javi hoarded those like a miser his gold. He had lusted after Yuzuru. He dreamt of kissing those sweet lips and marking that porcelain skin, of hearing him moan with need as he pushed his cock inside Yuzuru’s body. He dreamt this while awake, and while he slept. Scenarios filled his head in the rink, in competitions, during breaks, in his bed. At some point, Javi had had to accept that while Yuzuru loved him back in his own way, Yuzuru’s figure skating career was more important to him than what he could have with Javi. It was not an easy thing to do but one can only argue with reality for so long.

They have known each other for two years when Javi first kissed Yuzuru. He wasn’t alone in this; Javi wasn’t blind, he knew Yuzuru loved him as well. He knew it from the way Yuzuru turned his cheek into Javi’s palm whenever he reached up and touched Yuzuru’s face, from the way Yuzuru leaned into him whenever Javi pulled him in for a hug, the way Yuzuru would laugh and smile against Javi’s neck, the way their eyes would meet across the rink and Yuzuru’s eyes would crinkle and almost disappear as he returned Javi’s smile.

But Yuzuru was 19 and wanted more from the world than just one Olympic gold medal. 

Javi became proficient at hiding his desires, focusing instead on the friendship, so much so that he sometimes forgot about them. Until Yuzuru tilts his head certain way that would invite any sane man to lick that slender neck and suck on it until the blood under the thin skin bloomed and marked it as his. Or Yuzuru would stand, one hand on the hip, one finger pressed to his pouted lips, deep in thought, inviting unsuspecting people to skate over and claim those same lips for his own. It would have driven Javi insane but the alternative - to not see Yuzuru all - was not even worth contemplating. And if the hard place is unbearable, then you learn to sit on the rock as comfortably as you can.

It wasn’t all bad. Yuzuru may have rejected Javi’s feelings but he never withdrew his. Yuzuru still smiled, leaned in, hugged, whispered, touched and altogether attempted to drive Javi mad. Javi stood it for two more years plus change before he finally stepped back out of sheer self-preservation.

Yuzuru noted the change in Javi, and his smiles - the soft, loving ones that he used to shower lavishly on Javi, and only on Javi - gradually tapered off. It wasn’t an ideal situation, but they both had medals to win and, in Yuzuru’s case, world records to break. By their final year in Toronto, they weren’t even training on the same rink.

Javi made another attempt after Pyeongchang. Emotions were running high and something about winning a medal in the Olympics made Javi feel like he could conquer anything. One moment Yuzuru was crying with happiness and kissing him back; the next he was just crying, saying “I can’t” in between sobs. Javi moved on. Living in different continents helped. During the few times they see each other in ice shows, they are able to focus on the friendship, not the messy parts where wet kisses turn to wet tears. 

Through all their years training together, Yuzuru had always given glowing praises to Javi’s character and skating skills. This held true even when their relationship has devolved to the point where they were barely speaking to each other. These testimonials made Javi uncomfortable because he had always felt that they were Yuzuru’s way of publicly apologizing to him for having to deal with Yuzuru’s toxic relationship with the media and his fans, for forcing him into a role of supporting character, for beating him in competitions, for what Javi had desperately wanted but Yuzuru could not give.

Now, Yuzuru was in his hotel room, asking if Javi could still love him. Javi frowned at Yuzuru, trying to gauge what he was doing. It was too deliberate, and Yuzuru always assessed situations before he committed to an action. “I’m engaged, Yuzu. I sent you an invite,” laying it out in case Yuzu had missed his mail.

Yuzuru nodded. “I know. I saw it,”’ he said.

“So you do know. Then why are you still asking me this? Why now?” Javi asked.

“Because now is the right time. I couldn’t ask before. And if I don’t ask now, it might be too late,” Yuzuru answered.

Javi blinked at Yuzuru. “Might be too late? Yuzu, it’s been three years.”

“I know. You’ve been gone three years. I missed you,” Yuzuru said.

“I missed you too,” Javi responded almost automatically, but also because he has. “But this is crazy, Yuzu. What is this? You had your fun playing figure skating champion and now it’s time to get your consolation prize?” Javi ran his hand through his hair in agitation. He was really trying to understand where Yuzuru is coming from, but it’s becoming a stretch.

“No, it’s not like that,” Yuzuru said, shaking his head.

”Then what is it? What were you expecting me to say?,” Javi asked, grasping for understanding. Or barring that, some patience. 

“I didn’t expect anything. I just wanted to know, if it could be. If you could still love me.”

“Why are you asking me this _now_?” Javi could hear the frustration in his voice. 

“I ask now because I will not skate anymore," Yuzuru explained patiently. "I got your invitation. I wanted to know. If you are truly gone." 

Javi resented how calm Yuzuru looked when he himself was a riot of emotions inside. He doesn't have an answer. His mind can only come up with the same question over and over. _Why are you asking me this now?_ Javi didn't even realize he repeated the question out loud until Yuzuru responded.

"I ask so I will have no regrets,” Yuzuru said, so softly Javi had to strain to hear. 

Yuzuru’s reply coalesced the confusing emotions inside Javi to that of anger. A small part of him was surprised at his own reaction. He had thought he was done with this. An hour ago, he would have laughed had anyone asked if he still had feelings for Yuzuru. Apparently his former rinkmate can still push his buttons the way nobody else can. So Javi is Yuzuru’s regret? The one who got away? Yuzuru had known exactly what he was doing when he turned Javi down. He doesn’t get to check if there’s still something left in the box he had already refused and thrown away. Three fucking years later. Javi was so angry he couldn’t speak, didn't trust himself to speak. He is not some item on Yuzuru’s bucket list - check if Javi still loves you.

“Well, now you’ve asked,” Javi said some moments later when his throat finally unclenched enough to let him speak. Yuzuru remained quiet, calm. “I’m getting married in eight months. You don’t have to come,” he added nastily.

Yuzuru waited, but then nodded and stood up when Javi didn't say anything more. He bowed formally to Javi. “It would be good if you could forget I came tonight. I would like for us to remain friends. I will see you tomorrow at practice. I’m sorry to have bothered you,” Yuzuru said, voice still soft, looking down on the floor. He straightened, turned away from Javi, and walked to the door.

Javi had thought he was angry before but it seemed there was room for more. He saw Yuzuru’s retreating back and he just flared up. He reached the door before Yuzuru could fully open it and slammed it shut again. It’s bad enough he’s a bucket list item, but apparently he’s an _unimportant_ bucket list item. He’s all riled up, visibly upset and Yuzu will just calmly go back to his room thinking okay, that’s done, what’s next on my list. Javi didn’t need this. He was okay. He was _happy_. Javi leaned on the door with the same hand he shut it with, keeping his back to Yuzuru. He didn’t trust himself not to wring Yuzuru’s pretty little neck. 

“Please let me go,” Yuzuru said behind Javi, almost inaudibly.

“Really, Yuzu? You bring this up, then you just walk away? And we're just supposed to have fun at the rink tomorrow?” Javi asked incredulously, bitterly. Javi turned around, planning to lambast Yuzuru with a few choice words about inappropriate questions dredging up long buried issues but the angry words died on his lips. 

Yuzuru was far from calm. His face was pale, soft mouth quivering, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “Please let me go. I need to go,” Yuzuru begged quietly.

“Ah, hell,” Javi said, his anger draining away as fast as it had come. “You’re crying.”

“I’m not crying, I’m not,” Yuzuru said shaking his head, even as the tears finally overflowed and ran down his cheeks.

With a soft curse and a sigh, Javi pulled Yuzuru into his arms. He felt Yuzuru’s knees buckle, and he caught him. Yuzuru was sobbing into his neck now. Javi half led, half carried Yuzuru back to the bed. He got into the bed, sat down with his back to the bed frame and pulled Yuzuru into his arms again. Yuzuru continued to sob like his heart was breaking. Javi sighed again and thought that was probably so, in painful concert with his own. 

Javi didn’t think it odd that not even a minute after he was so mad at Yuzuru he wanted to smash his fist in the wall, he was now in bed comforting Yuzuru while he cried. This was just on par with their complex relationship that has fascinated the world for almost a decade. Yuzuru cried for a long time, hands curled into fists on Javi’s shirt, Javi’s hand stroking down Yuzuru’s back in ineffectual comfort. Javi started to worry about dehydration. When the sobs tapered off to be replaced by sniffles, Javi disentangled himself from Yuzuru, got some tissues from the bathroom, and a glass of water.

“Where is Pooh when you really need him?” Javi said, as Yuzuru blew his nose. Yuzuru gave him a bleary, watery smile, that was more grimace than actual mirth. Javi has never seen anyone be as beautiful crying as Yuzuru.

“I should go,” Yuzuru said, after taking a sip of the water, barely understandable through his clogged nose.

“Stay.”

Yuzuru shook his head.

“Yuzu, stay awhile,” Javi said firmly, resignedly. Javi took the glass from Yuzuru, set it on the bedside table, then went back to his previous position on the bed, leaning back against the frame, legs stretched out, and gathered Yuzuru in his arms again. Yuzuru didn't protest. Yuzuru half curled beside him, his head tucked under Javi’s chin, still occasionally sniffling.

“Why did you even come here, Yuzu?” Javi asked in the silence, one hand cradling Yuzuru’s nape.

“I wanted to ask.”

“I got that. But surely you didn’t expect me to say yes, of course, I still love you, and we’d live happily ever after?”

“I didn’t expect. But I had to know. What if yes, what if no. Better if I know,” said Yuzuru.

Javi supposed it made sense. Yuzuru had always been more straightforward than him. Goal oriented. 

“But did you hope I’d say yes?” Javi asked.

“Yes,” said Yuzuru softly. 

Javi closed his eyes, trying to shut out the word. “Now that you’ve asked, what will you do?”

“I didn’t mean for you to see me cry.”

Javi tightened his arms around Yuzuru. “I’ve seen you cry before, lots of times. You didn’t answer my question, Yuzu. What happens now?” Javi asked. He wasn’t sure why he was pushing this. Beautiful or not, he didn’t want to make Yuzuru start crying again.

Javi felt Yuzuru give a small shrug. “I be a better friend.”

“Ahh. So you’ll wish me well on my marriage?” Javi said.

“Yes,” Yuzuru whispered after a pause.

“And you’ll come to my wedding?” Javi still doesn’t know why he’s pushing this. His own chest is tightening.

The answer was longer in coming. “Maybe not,” Yuzuru said. “Will just send a gift.”

“And you’ll wish me well?”

“Yes.”

“That’s bullshit, Yuzu.”

“What?” Yuzuru said, leaning away to look at Javi in surprise. “I can wish you well. I will.”

“You’re just giving up then? You, Yuzuru Hanyu, are just giving up on what you want. Just like that?” Javi asked. 

Yuzuru looked at him, and Javi could see the rioting emotions in his face, tears falling again. Yuzuru wiped them away, frustrated. “You’re not a gold medal, Javi. Medals don’t say no. I win them and they’re mine. I skate my best and I win. They don’t stop being mine. I don’t have to wish them well while somebody else wears what was mine.” Yuzuru paused, gasping for air through the tears.

Yuzuru had sat up completely by now, extricating himself from Javi’s arms, dabbing his eyes, and doing his best to stop crying with mixed success. “I’m going back to my room.” 

“Your team will see you looking like that,” Javi said, referring to Yuzuru’s sorry state.

Yuzuru paused in his efforts to collect himself. “I can’t stay here,” Yuzuru said, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “I’m full of emotions and it’s not fair to dump this on you when you’ve already said no.” Yuzuru took a deep breath and visibly tried to calm himself. 

Yuzuru padded to the bathroom, and Javi heard water running on the sink. Yuzuru came out face still red in some places but no longer visibly distressed. Javi thought he looked beautiful. 

“I’m sorry if I ruined your evening but I had to ask,” Yuzuru said. “Your happiness is important to me, Javi. I _will_ wish you well.” Yuzuru put one hand on his chest, as if massaging pain away. 

Javi stood up and gathered Yuzuru into a hug. It seemed all he did this evening was hold Yuzuru. He wondered who was comforting whom.

“Will you be okay?” Javi asked.

He felt Yuzuru nod against him. “I will see you in practice tomorrow. I promise I’ll be better then. I won’t be a problem,” Yuzuru said against his neck. 

Yuzuru finally stepped back, away from Javi’s embrace. “Bye, bye, Javi,” Yuzuru said, with a bad attempt at a smile. Javi let him go.

Javi stretched out on the bed and was silent a long time, forehead creased in a frown. His shirt was soaked with Yuzuru’s tears, and Javi can smell the scent of Yuzuru on himself. 

“The problem, Yuzu, was that after winning me, you never claimed me,” Javi said to the empty room.


	2. The Knowledge that Comes with a New Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru wakes up and Javier is no longer his.

Yuzuru woke up to the sound of his alarm. He reached out to shut it off but didn’t move from the bed. Without looking at the mirror, he knew that his eyes would be puffy, almost closed into slits, inflamed from all the crying he did last night. He could feel it, gritty behind his eyelids. 

A brand new day dawns and Javier Fernandez is no longer his. The knowledge leaves a very bitter taste in his mouth. Javi has had girlfriends before; 4 in the 9 years Yuzuru has known him, not counting the girls he dated or fooled around with in Toronto and during competitions, in between the official ones. Other than Miki who Yuzuru saw in ice shows and visited Javi in Toronto that one time, Yuzuru has never bothered with them, treated them like so much changing scenery. Javi didn’t talk to him about them, and he never asked. This didn’t make Yuzuru inconsiderate, they just didn’t matter to him.

Yuzuru had lived a life focused on one goal, and he simplified his life to better reach that goal. Outside of his driving need to change and evolve in order to improve himself, in all other aspects of his life, Yuzuru liked constancy, liked things to be done a certain way. Breakfast, then daily weigh-in. Rice meals, not bread or pasta. Pooh-san on the boards facing the rink, towel on one side, water bottle on the other. Javi was part of the unchanging routine. His presence, his support, his love, his smiles, his warm hands - it all burned bright and constant. They hit a snag in their last couple of years together in Toronto, and Javi has been gone for the last 3 years, but Yuzuru never lost sight of the fire burning bright in his mind’s eye that is Javi.

Yuzuru didn’t consciously think that Javi would wait for him while he finished his skating career. That would imply he has thought about it. For Yuzuru, Javi was like the stars in the sky, beautiful, always present. He may not see it all the time but he _knew_ it was there, shining its radiance on him. He never thought the sky would suddenly crash and leave him standing in the void, just as he was now free to look up and truly see them. The irony was killing him almost as much as the knowledge of his loss.

The invitation to Javi’s wedding woke him up to the possibility that Javi would actually be lost to him. It came just as the doctors confirmed that his knee injury, while operable, is unlikely to heal enough for Yuzuru to compete at the level of skill he demands of himself. In typical Yuzuru fashion, he shoved both pieces of information to the back of his mind, slammed a lid on it, and concentrated on training for what would be his last competition.

Yuzuru called Javi as soon as he could after he won Worlds. He wanted to share his win with Javi, as he had always done. And winning meant his mind could now think about mundane things that are not related to skating, such as what the wedding invitation could mean. Yuzuru watched Javi but there was no indication that anything had changed. He still smiled in the same way, his eyes were soft in the same way, his voice loving in the same way, and Yuzuru basked as he always did, melted boneless in the certainty that just as he thought of Javi as his, he was also Javi’s. Yuzuru ended the call with hope in his heart that it was not too late. But there was no other way to know for sure except to ask Javi.

Last night, Yuzuru found out that he had won the medals he wanted but had lost Javi. There was no one to blame, no one to curse or hate. Javi did not, could not wait for him. And Yuzuru would not have changed his decisions even if he could turn back time. He had made his choices then and they were the right ones for him. There is an almost unbearable loss in his heart, an anguish he could barely breathe through, but there is no regret. What he needs is to find a place in himself, amidst the pain and loss, where he could be happy for Javi. 

 

The skaters trickled in to the dining area one by one for breakfast, at a rate dependent on how much of a morning person each one was. Yuzuru indulged and got a second cup of coffee. An ice pack over his eyes had made the swelling go down but he still felt fuzzy, a little disoriented from the lack of sleep. He had chosen a table in the corner, away from the center tables where most of the skaters congregated. There must have been something to his face because no one sat with him, and he was able to eat in silence. 

Yuzuru had gone straight to the ice the moment his meal was done. He needed peace and the ice was the one sure place to find it. It was still early, practice wasn’t scheduled to start for another hour, and he had the rink to himself. After the briefest of warm-ups, Yuzuru took to the ice. Simple movements, just feeling the ice beneath him, cold wind against his face, trying to lose himself in the moment.

When he finally skated to a stop, he heard someone say “I thought I’d see you here.” Javi was by the edge of the rink, skate guards already in his hand. There were still no other skaters around. Javi joined him at the far end of the rink. He looked awful. Yuzuru told him so. 

Yuzuru took off his glove and reached out one hand to touch the dark circles under Javi’s eyes, as he had done a dozen, a hundred times before. But now Yuzuru stopped, his hand hanging in the air before lowering. 

“Sorry,” Yuzuru said, self-conscious.

“Is that how it’s going to be between us? You’ll stop touching me, flinch when I touch you?” Javi asked, the tone was light but the expression on his face serious. 

Javi reached down, took Yuzuru’s hand and lifted it, placed it against his cheek where it had originally wanted to go. Yuzuru closed his eyes briefly, overcome with the gesture. He smiled despite the pain and cupped Javi’s cheek gently, his thumb grazing the dark circles as he had intended to do. 

“You need shave,” he said. Javi half-smiled.

“How are you this morning?” Javi asked.

Yuzuru took back his hand, a little regretfully. “Bad,” his mouth twisting in self-deprecation. “But will get better. Just need time,” Yuzuru said. “Like this,” he waved his hand vaguely, “this touching thing, I didn't think about it before. You had girlfriends, but I didn’t think if okay to touch you. What touch is okay for friends, what is not,” he said.

“What?” Yuzuru asked, because Javi suddenly looked amused.

“I _always_ worried about what was okay or not. Especially when there were cameras around. And i definitely heard about it from the women in my life. Fancams are the worst,” Javi said.

Yuzuru bit his lip. “I didn’t think,” he said.

“No, you never did. You just happily draped yourself all over me, and hugged me, and cried against me. And I had people crawling all over my instagram, telling me how cute we are as a couple.”

“I’m sorry,” Yuzu said.

Javi raised an eyebrow.

“No, not sorry about hugging. We always hugged, Javi,” Yuzuru said. “Just sorry you were bothered.”

Javi shook his head, “It’s fine, Yuzu. If it had really bothered me, I would have said something. The instagram thing was irritating though.” 

Again, Yuzuru unthinkingly reached out a hand to Javi in comfort, hesitated, then pushed through with the action, lightly touching Javi’s forearm.

Javi smiled. “Better,” he said. Yuzu smiled back.

“I _am_ trying to be better friend,” Yuzuru grimaced. “It’s hard work”.

“If you ask me,” Javi said, ”you would be a better friend to me if you didn’t deprive me of my friend.”

Yuzuru frowned at Javi. 

“What?” Javi asked.

“I was thinking last night. I have to do this month's ice shows, but after, I can fix it so we don't see each other," Yuzuru said.

“What do you mean?”

“I have to do this show for three weeks. I already said yes. But not for May and June. And next year, I can go only to shows where you won't go. I plan to do _Continues_. And I really wanted you to be there.” Yuzuru grimaced. “But I think maybe that won't happen anymore. And I can’t be in _Revolution_ in Spain like we said. I'm sorry for that, Javi.”

“You want to stop seeing me,” Javi said, voice flat.

Yuzuru stopped thinking about his plans and looked at Javi. Yuzuru knew Javi very well but he did not recognize this expression on his face.

“Javi, is not that I _want_ to stop seeing you. But this is impossible. You can’t want me around, draping all over you”, quoting Javi’s word back at him. “And i’m not in a good place," Yuzuru said quietly, "I would be emotional, crying. 

“You’ve let me hold you while you cry before,” Javi said quietly.

Yuzuru shook his head. “No one has seen me cry more than you, Javi” he said. “Not even my mother. But that’s not fair to you. I didn't want you to see me cry last night. I planned to leave if you said no.”

“So your plan was to ask and just leave if I said no? And then what, cry in your room?” Javi asked.

Yuzuru shrugged.

“And I would never have known how you felt,” Javi said.

“I guess,” Yuzuru said.

“Your pride is that important to you?” Javi asked, lips twisting a little.

“No!” Yuzuru said emphatically, seeing Javi’s expression. “Javi, it’s not pride. It’s respecting your decision. If you had said yes..." Yuzuru trailed off, then bit his lip and continued "but you said no. And I know you. You are too kind not to care when you see me broken down. Even if you don't love me anymore," Yuzuru said, smile bright but not quite reaching his sad eyes. "We've known each other too long and my feelings will affect you. Too many years as friends. I didn't want you to feel bad. ”

“You are so full of bullshit, Yuzu,” Javi said with feeling.

“Javi!” Yuzuru exclaimed.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, you’re trying to be a good friend,” Javi said, clearly pissed. “Fuck this.” 

“Alright, you said three weeks right? You’re stuck with me for three weeks,” Javi continued.

“Not stuck, but --,” Yuzuru said.

“Yeah, whatever. We’re together for three weeks,” Javi said, still pissed but trying to be reasonable, as he always does when dealing with Yuzuru. “Then for those three weeks, I want you to stay with me. No pushing me away. You touch me when you want to, you don’t flinch when I touch you. No hiding among team Japan. You let me hold you when you cry, no holing up in your room feeling all dramatic,” Javi said.

“Javi, I don’t know,” Yuzuru said, uncertainly.

“Three weeks, Yuzu,” Javi said firmly. “You let me make you laugh, if I can. You let me see your smiles,” Javi said, his voice gentling. “Three weeks with me, then you can do whatever the hell you want.”

“Javi….” Yuzuru said, trailing off.

“Do we have a deal?” asked Javi, eyes focused on Yuzuru’s.

Yuzuru looked towards the side door. The skaters are starting to come in from the dining area. 

“Yuzu?” Javi said, calling back his attention. 

“Okay,” Yuzuru finally said, nodding. His hand had fisted on Javi’s shirt, by the waist, without Yuzuru noticing it.

"Okay," Javi responded, cupping Yuzuru’s face, palm warm on his cheek, fingers caressing his neck. "So later, we can hang out and watch a movie after practice,” Javi said.

Yuzuru laughed, almost hysterical. “I can't watch a movie with you, Javi. I’d be too tired and probably crying.”

“That’s fine. You can nap and cry beside me while I watch a movie,” Javi said with a wry smile and a shrug.

Yuzuru watched him skate away, one hand clutching at his hair, and wondered how he will survive the next three weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Continues with Wings_ is Yuzu's self-produced ice show in Japan. 
> 
> _Revolution on Ice_ is Javi's ice show in Spain. Yuzu has never appeared in this, presumably not because Javi doesn't want him there but because it was always held, oddly enough, during skating season, with one show conflicting directly with Japan Nationals. It would be _lovely_ to think that post-retirement, they would be performing in each other's ice shows (and will have long hugs backstage).


	3. Days that End with Comfort Needed and Comfort Given

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru's days have a rhythm to it, a set routine. These days, they include breaking down while Javier holds him.

[ I got the movies. Your room or mine? ]

Yuzuru read the message and frowned. He was half-hoping Javier wasn’t serious, or if he was, he would forget about hanging out and watching a movie. But Yuzuru knew Javier in this mood, he would knock on every door at the hotel if he had to, if Yuzuru refused to answer. Javier was usually the most easy-going guy, but sometimes he would get an idea and won’t let go of it until it’s done. Yuzuru looked around. The living area of his suite had a long couch in front of the TV. Better than a bed. He texted Javier his room number.

Javier came not 10 minutes later, with a smile and a backpack. Yuzuru gestured to the TV, and left Javier to set up. He got out a diet soda for Javier, and sparkling water for himself. He picked up the packet of nuts, just in case, although they generally don’t indulge in salty snacks. He set the offerings down on the coffee table. Yuzuru took one end of the couch, back against the arm rest, his legs down the length of the couch, knees bent.

“Anything you want to watch?” Javier asked.

Yuzuru shook his head. He wasn’t prevaricating this morning. Yuzuru really was tired; he barely slept the night before. He probably won’t last a whole movie.

Javier loaded a film and took the empty space at the other end of the couch. He was in soft jeans and shirt. Yuzuru was already in pajamas.

Yuzuru gave the movie cursory attention then tuned out. How many times have they done this over the last 9 years? Just hung out together for a movie or a video game. There were always competitions to prepare for - and Javier knew better than to bother Yuzuru then - but after, when the color of medals have already been determined or during ice shows like now, they would come together on some corner or couch or bed and just be. Javier was more outgoing than Yuzuru and some nights he would go out with the other skaters, or be with some girl, but some nights would be Yuzuru’s. Yuzuru tried to imagine not doing this anymore and felt the loss so acutely he felt his chest constrict. 

Yuzuru closed his eyes. He knew this was a bad idea. 

He felt Javier’s touch on the top of his feet, hand cupping the curve where the foot met the leg. “You’re not watching,” Javier said.

Yuzuru opened his eyes and breathed in with an effort to calm himself. “Yes, I am,” he said, looking at Javier’s profile instead of the TV. It was a face he knew as well as his own. It had more lines now than when they first met, far more than Yuzuru’s own, but still as beloved.

“I can feel you looking at me, you know,” Javier said with a quick glance to the side at Yuzuru, who _was_ looking at Javier. 

“I was admiring your profile.” Yuzuru said, because he was and it was easier to say than Yuzuru was trying to memorize Javier’s features, which he already has indelibly etched in his mind in any case. 

“And making a memory,” Yuzuru added, because Javier was one of the few people in the world with whom he was always honest, if he could help it.

Javier looked at him, smiling. “What’s the memory? Watching TV?” 

Yuzuru nodded. Watching TV on the couch, Javier sitting across him, his handsome face in profile, curls a little longer than he usually wears them these days, in a soft gray shirt Yuzuru has seen a dozen times before, the collar area slightly damp from when his shower-wet hair had dripped on it. Javier’s warm hand on Yuzuru’s foot - a comforting, familiar gesture. Yuzuru’s body tired from today’s practice but muscles already relaxing from the hot shower he took half an hour ago. They had no competition to think about and tomorrow will be another easy day of practice at an ice show. It was a quiet, peaceful time. Yuzuru was warm and safe. It would have been perfect, if not for the ache that was almost too big for his heart to contain.

“That needs a scent to tie the memory together,” Javier said. He crooked a finger at Yuzuru. “Come.”

Unsure what Javier was up to, Yuzuru tucked his legs in and leaned forward to reach Javier, supporting himself on his knees, one hand on the back of the couch. Javier leaned over as well and took Yuzuru into a hug. 

_Oh_ , Yuzuru thought. He had automatically returned the hug, placing both arms around Javier’s neck, and now Yuzuru can smell Javier. There was no cologne or aftershave. Just the fresh scent of his shampoo, the vaguely familiar smell of soap, the powdery smell of the fabric conditioner he used, and Javier. Yuzuru inhaled. He turned his head to Javier’s neck and inhaled again. And the tears started falling.

“Hey, I thought you were making a happy memory,” Javier said, trying to make light of the matter.

But Yuzuru’s tears had already turned into sobs. The anguish he had kept bottled inside while he smiled politely at people all day finally finding an outlet. Yuzuru’s heart was breaking, and he clung to the man who broke it for comfort. Javier pulled him in from his kneeling position, until Yuzuru was inside the circle of Javier’s arms. 

Yuzuru was 26 years old. A man by any standards. But aside from that brush with calamity in his hometown of Sendai when he was 15, Yuzuru has lived the protected life of a child prodigy. He didn’t have time to learn how to ride a bike or go to beaches or make friends. It was why Javier’s presence in his life was magnified, much more than it would have been had Yuzuru had a normal childhood with cousins, friends, classmates and new crushes to interact with. Javier was brother, friend, partner-in-crime, protector, confidant, rinkmate, rival, crush, first love, beloved. While Yuzuru was grateful to his family for the sacrifice they made for him, Javier was the first person whose happiness Yuzuru had truly cared about, and he was the first person Yuzuru went to for comfort when he lost. And before this, what Yuzuru knew of pain and loss was related mostly to medals and podium placements. Even when he lost gold to Javier, it was Yuzuru’s own fault that he failed to win, not Javier’s. He didn’t know what to do when the pain and loss was caused by the same man who he would have gone to to assuage it. Javier didn’t love him anymore and Yuzuru could feel himself shattering inside. He didn’t know it was possible to hurt this much and not physically break.

The part of him that wanted to win, that _needed_ to win, the driving force of the past two decades, wasn’t sustaining him in this. There was no panel of judges to impress. Nothing in himself he can improve. He had lost and he didn’t know how badly he wanted this until he lost it.

But people can only sustain intense, emotional breakdowns for so long, especially when you are being held by someone you love and trust, hearing their familiar voice saying your name in soothing tones. Yuzuru’s sobbing eventually abated and he became aware again of his surroundings. The TV was still on but long since forgotten. His face and neck was wet, as was Javier’s shirt. Javier had stopped stroking his back, and was merely holding him. 

Yuzuru struggled to get up from Javier’s embrace. He wiped the worst of the wetness with his hand then rose from the couch, waving away Javier’s attempt to steady him. He came back with a box of tissues and sat back on his end of the couch and tried to put himself back in order. 

“I told you I’d be crying,” Yuzuru said, almost accusing.

“And I told you it’s fine,” Javier replied. “But maybe next time, let’s have Pooh-san handy.”

“Next time?” Yuzuru said in between blowing his nose.

“You’re not gonna cry anymore after tonight?” Javier asked, eyebrow raised.

“Next time, I’ll just cry by myself. Why do you have to be here!” Yuzuru said. 

“And who else will comfort you? Who do you go to when things go bad?” Javier asked.

“You,” Yuzuru said, grudgingly.

“Admit it. I help make you feel better,” Javier said.

“You do,” Yuzuru readily agreed. “But you also make me cry! I go around and around in crazy crying circle. My nose is clogged and I’m tired,” Yuzuru said, sniffling again, mouth quivering.

Javier made soothing noises. “Come, I still have half a movie. And I owe you a nap.” Javier made beckoning motions. Yuzuru looked at him dubiously.

“Come,” Javier repeated. 

With a sigh, Yuzuru grabbed more tissues then tucked his legs and half crawled to Javier’s end of the couch. He lay down on his side and curled up, facing the back of the couch, his back to the TV. His head was on Javier’s thigh, his feet now pointing to the other end of the couch. 

“Are you sure all these tears are for me? Maybe you’re crying because you’re too old to skate, Uncle Yuzu,” Javier said, placing a comforting hand on Yuzuru’s nape.

“I would kick you if I could reach you,” Yuzuru said without heat.

Yuzuru closed his tear-swollen eyes. He felt drained. He fell asleep with the feel of Javier’s warm hand on the back of his neck, thumb gently stroking through the part where hair met skin. 

Javier woke him up with a gentle shake some time later, telling him to get up and move to the bed as it was getting late. Yuzuru walked to the bed in the other room, slightly disoriented from sleep, where Javier tucked him in, told him not to cry anymore for the night, then saw himself out. There was a moment, after the click of the door closing, where his breath hitched and he felt overwhelmed again by loss but it was overcome by tiredness and he drifted off to sleep.

The next day was the like a replay of the previous one and it left Yuzuru chagrined. 

Yuzuru didn’t have much activities outside of skating. When he first arrived in Canada, there were English lessons in the morning and school lessons in the evenings, bracketing ice practice between them. His English improved and the lessons eased up, but his academic lessons became more difficult as he graduated from high school to University. There were some days which broke routine like when he needed to get fitted for his costumes, or media days when the whole TCC is in an uproar with cables littering the ground threatening to trip skaters walking on their skate guards, and there are dozens of strangers holding cameras following Yuzuru around. There were some instances when Yuzuru and Javier, by themselves or with one or two other rinkmates, would head to the place a block away for a snack after practice, but this was in no way a regular occurrence. 

The ice time become more intense as competitions draw near but they are, essentially, more of the same. The daily rhythm would be interrupted by actual competitions but that too carries its own well-established rhythm - packing of bags, deciding which earphones to bring, long flights, getting to know an unfamiliar rink or reacquainting himself with an old one, hotel rooms that have blurred in his mind over the years looking much like one another, the performance, the medals, the gala if there was one. Seeing familiar faces, happiness at seeing ones that he particularly liked, curiosity at the new ones, the pang of missing old ones. 

The off season days and ice shows have more flexibility but still has a cadence that Yuzuru appreciates. He never thought his daily routine would end with him crying his eyes out and Javier consoling him while he cried. 

Yuzuru doesn’t know if Javier actually manages to watch the movies, but he appreciates the pretense at normalcy when all Javier really seem to do is get Yuzuru through his crying fits. Last night, he lost it in the middle of his shower, tears mingling with the flow of water. He opened the door with his face already tear-stained and blotchy and blew his nose while Javier set up the TV. Yuzuru curled up on the couch as soon as the movie began, his head pillowed on Javier’s thigh, chest constricting, tears leaking. Javier soothed him to sleep, and woke him up some time later to usher him back to bed. 

Today, however, is the first day of the ice show. The cry fests leave him with swollen eyes and a mild headache when he wakes up, but Yuzuru grudgingly admits that he _is_ at least able to sleep from Javier’s ministrations. His heart is heavy but he feels better equipped to face the day. 

Breakfast that morning was a frenzied affair, the atmosphere filled with anticipation, with people doing last minute preparations before curtains opened. There was jostling in front of the mirrors in the locker room, problems with buttons and zippers and uncooperative hair accessories keeping the backstage crew harried, and the skaters busy but mostly unruffled. This was, after all, only an ice show and while everyone wants to put on a good show, a loose button won’t mean a costly deduction and a lost chance to podium.

Yuzuru himself was not one for last minute preparations. He liked his prep routine laid-out and carefully followed well in advance of curtain time. As Team Japan’s best hope for a gold medal, and the highlighted star of the ice shows, his needs were attended to much faster than other skaters would be. During competitions, aside from Kikuchi who took care of his personal items, there would usually be one or two representatives from his federation following Yuzuru to make sure his needs are adequately and promptly met. The same is done for him by the organizers of ice shows.

This ice show was no different. Yuzuru was ready half an hour before curtain time, getting his head into the proper zone. He had been too distracted, too distraught the past two days to think about his duties as Yuzuru Hanyu, 2 time Olympic gold medalist, but this morning, he took the time to go to the younger skaters and appreciate their skills and boost their confidence. He made special time for the youngest in their group; an 18 year old Japanese girl. She was new to the senior circuit but has acquitted herself well during her debut. This is her first ice show and was understandably nervous. She was in awe of Yuzuru and had peeked at him from behind the other Team Japan skaters during practice. Yuzuru was used to the admiration and took the time to put her at ease. She had gone away with her eyes shining and a soft pink on her cheeks, almost skipping with delight.

As headliner, Yuzuru didn’t have to be part of any of the group numbers but he had long ago requested that he be included. When he was new to his status as figure skating legend, he would peek out from behind the dark curtains while the other skaters did the opening number, miming the hand and body movements of the choreography that he knew by heart but was not allowed to participate in. His request to be included was smilingly refused at first, accompanied by formal bows, as it was felt that it was not befitting his exalted status. Yuzuru had repeated the request in even more polite terms, making it a formal demand. 

As in most ice shows they attend together, there was a part in the choreography where Yuzuru and Javier skated together. Their long history and familiarity with one another really made it the most logical arrangement. They were supposed to come from opposite sides of the rink and skate like mirror images, come together in the middle, and do synchronized spins and jumps then pose with theirs backs to each other, as the rest of the skaters go back on the ice and join them. Yuzuru was careful to time his steps with Javier’s; he has always been faster on the ice and Javier is already 3 years out of competitive skating, but years of practicing skating skills together made this easy. They looked good together and the crowd howled in appreciation. Yuzuru _felt_ good. He caught Javier’s eyes and they grinned at each other. 

Yuzuru, if nothing else, was a consummate performer. Other skaters complain of boot problems but Yuzuru has skated through mental trauma, potentially career-ending ankle injuries, a head injury coupled with a split chin stapled and taped together to stop the bleeding, and a pus-filled wound that he had had to seal shut with duct tape over the gauze lest it bleed through his costume. He had skated through these and won. Heartbreak or not, his energy on the ice was electrifying, stealing the spotlight from the other skaters whenever he was on it. During his solo program, he _owned_ the arena. All eyes on him. The crowd shrieked and cheered, and he revelled in it, allowed it to wash over him in waves of almost drugged delight. He drank it all in as panacea to his pain. 

Yuzuru felt whole, or at least a semblance of it, for the first time in days. He realized he was going to have to rethink his plan not to do the ice shows scheduled for the coming months. He _needed_ to be on the ice, where people loved him, and he didn’t feel as broken inside.

After the finale, Javier found Yuzuru and they exchanged grins, high fives and tight hugs. Yuzuru was high on adrenaline and the excitement in the air was contagious. They stood together for a time, along the busy corridor leading from the curtain door to the dressing room, Javier with his arm slung around Yuzuru’s shoulders, Yuzuru greeting skaters and crew alike with hyper waving of his hands and congratulatory words, like some mayor of a city running for re-election. But everyone loved Yuzuru and they all greeted him back enthusiastically, with more fist bumps, high fives, hand waving, or hugs depending on the closeness of their relationship. At one point, Javier’s arm slid from Yuzuru’s shoulders when Yuzuru stepped forward to hug Kanako. When Yuzuru stepped back from the hug, Javier’s arm rested around Yuzuru’ waist instead and stayed there.

Yuzuru’s high spirits lasted until he got to his rooms. He was late getting back to the hotel as he needed to sort some matters with his personal staff first. He went inside his bedroom, parked his bags to one side, and started taking off his street clothes. He took out his phone to check messages and saw pictures taken from the ice show and backstage sent by the other skaters. He paused on one of himself and Javier. They were both smiling at the camera, heads together, Yuzuru’s fingers up in a V sign, Javier’s arm around his shoulders. The picture doesn’t show it but Yuzuru knew his other arm was around Javier’s waist when this was taken, and Javier’s hand was resting on top of Yuzuru’s hand, holding it at his hip. They looked happy.

Yuzuru zoomed in and looked at their faces, but he couldn’t tell the difference. If he would pull out a picture taken from 3, 5 or 7 years ago, they would look the same. Same happy grins, same casualness to the postures. They looked as they were when Javier was still his, and he was Javier’s. He supposed he wasn't Javier’s anymore. He can’t very well belong to someone who belongs to someone else. Yuzuru dropped his phone on the bed and padded to the shower.

Yuzuru tried to hold on to the high spirits as the water flowed over him. He recalled how the audience screamed enough to blow the roof off when he did his hydroblade. He called to mind how excited Tomono looked this morning, how sleepy-tired but happy Shoma was after his program. Kanako hugging Satoko tightly, their matching gold and white outfits blending into each other. Javier, handsome in his cream-colored shirt, making love to the audience.

Yuzuru exited the shower still wrapped in the large white towel, and stood over the phone on his bed. Debating with himself. He finally picked up the phone and typed a short message.

[ Javi? Can you come? ]

Yuzuru waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many people have asked in the comments and emails that I should probably re-title this fic _WTF is Javi up to??_  
>  Or, as is my reply, _When Javi is Being Javi_. 
> 
> Drop me a line at the comments section or at onewhiteblossom@gmail.com. I love to talk <3


	4. Wounds that Bleed Unseen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru asked Javier how did he know she was the one. He hadn't known he was going to ask it until he did. But the moment he asked, Yuzuru realized he wanted to know. _Why this one?_ Raising the question: _Why not Yuzuru?_

Yuzuru was 17 when he first came to train in Toronto. Even before that, international figure skating had exposed him to people who were far more expressive of their emotions than a normal Japanese person would be. He had been performing on the ice since he was 9 years old, required to express emotions - joyful, anguished, enthusiastic, broken but hopeful - in order to “sell” his programs. He had thought he was expressive enough with his feelings and well able to deal with touchy-feely foreigners. 

That was before he met one Javier Fernandez, who patted Yuzuru’s knee, touched his shoulders, held his waist, cupped his face, stroked his nape, and looked into his eyes and _demanded_ with the brilliance of his smile, the softness in his eyes, that Yuzuru smile for him. That Yuzuru return his hugs. That Yuzuru lean in, turn his face to Javier’s neck and whisper “I missed you too.” That Yuzuru squeeze back the hand that holds his, saying without words that, yes, Yuzuru is happy because Javier is there.

Yuzuru had long ago given up not responding to Javier. And a 9-year old habit is hard to break.

This night, Yuzuru barely allowed Javier enough time to step inside the room before he threw himself in Javier’s arms. Yuzuru clung to him, eyes closed, breathing in deep, taking in Javier’s scent. Seeking solace. Their bodies were flush together. Yuzuru was standing on tiptoes, fully draped on Javier who had his legs spread a little to support their weight. 

“What’s wrong? I mean other than the usual,” Javier said. He had one hand on Yuzuru’s lower back, the other rubbing up and down Yuzuru’s spine through his pajama top. Yuzuru could feel Javier's warm fingers low on his back, almost hot, where Yuzuru's top had ridden up, exposing his bare skin.

“I’m crashing,” Yuzuru said with another deep breath. By now this herbal scent of the hotel’s soap will always remind Yuzuru of Javier and this particular ice show. 

“Ahh,” Javier said, understanding.

“And I would really, _really_ like it if I don’t cry 4 nights in a row.” Yuzuru said, clinging to Javier’s neck. 

Javier held him, appearing for all the world content to just stand there until Yuzuru have had his fill of hugging him. But all good things eventually end. Yuzuru took one last inhale before he pulled back a little to look at Javier, his arms still linked behind Javier’s neck. He didn’t seem the worse for wear, after being summoned like that, then practically attacked as soon as he got in. 

Yuzuru probably should be embarrassed but he’s not. Nor was there anything in Javier’s soft expression that said he should be. His hesitation earlier had nothing to do with whether calling Javier would be embarrassing, or whether Javier would be capable of giving him the solace he needed. He knew that Javier could, more than any other person in the world. And that’s exactly why he hesitated. Javier was Javier. But Yuzuru had been trying not to be Yuzuru. And had failed.

Yuzuru went back for a hug, but it was easier now. Loose and comfortable. Familiar. Without the desperate overtones of before. A few minutes in Javier’s arms and Yuzuru was calm the way a stadium full of cheering people couldn’t make him. Yuzuru buried the thought; he had always been good at compartmentalizing.

“Okay?” Javi said, sensing the change.

Yuzuru nodded and disengaged from the hug. He stepped back and finally looked at Javier in full. 

“No laptop?” 

“It wasn't packed when I got your text,” Javier said, shrugging. “Let’s just talk tonight.”

Javier had sat down on his side of the couch. Yuzuru moved to sit on the other end but Javier caught his wrist and patted his thigh in invitation. Yuzuru hesitated but complied. He lay down with his head pillowed on Javier's lap, back flat on the couch, facing up the ceiling, not curled up on his side like he was on previous nights. 

They don’t generally come together like this, perhaps even they recognize that it’s too intimate. But when they do, it’s usually Javier who lies down with his head on Yuzuru’s lap. Yuzuru thinks he likes the change in places; he felt cared for. 

“You okay?” Javier asked gently.

Yuzuru nodded. “I was crashing, and I couldn’t.... I couldn’t face crying again. Thank you for coming, Javi,” Yuzuru said, a little formally but heartfelt. Yuzuru reached up, briefly grazing Javier’s arm in gratitude. He wondered what is the proper etiquette for their situation. 

“Feeling better?” Javier asked. 

Yuzuru took stock of his emotions. Oddly enough, he _did_ feel better. He didn’t want to delve too deep lest he touch on the anguish, but on the surface he does feel better. He nodded again. 

“I don’t know what happened. We’ve all crashed before,” Yuzuru said, referring to those times when adrenaline was high from a performance well done, then you get back to an empty room and the tiredness hits you, and all the warm, fuzzy feelings go away, and you just want to sleep. “It’s never hit me like that before. I’ve never had to text you and beg you to come,” Yuzuru said, frowning.

They stayed quiet for a while, Javier had one hand smoothing Yuzuru’s hair, the other a comforting weight on top of Yuzuru’s chest. Yuzuru drank in the feeling of peace.

When Yuzuru was very young, and newly starting on figure skating, there were a lot of times when his coach had made him and his other rinkmates sit in _seiza_ off the ice as punishment for one infraction or another. He hated those times as they were rarely justified - Tzuzuki _sensei_ was an ornery man even back then. But mostly because it kept him off his beloved ice. The moment he got home, he would bury his face in his mother’s lap, more angry than upset, and his mother would soothe him, smoothing his hair. He doesn’t remember the words anymore, it’s been too many years, but he remembers the warm lap, the feel of her hands on his head, and the comforting voice. 

“You got used to me being here,” Javier finally said, breaking the silence.

And Yuzuru realized he had. When the good feelings were slipping away, he had called Javier, desperate to keep the bad ones from starting. Yuzuru _knew_ he should be doing more to fight this. But Javier seemed determined to keep Yuzuru by his side. And Yuzuru is finding it more and more difficult to say no. Not when this was what he wanted as well.

“I missed you when you left, after you retired,” Yuzuru said softly, as if speaking too loud would break the spell, re-open wounds that bleed with unseen blood.

“There was a space where you used to be. It bothered me.”

“We kept in touch,” Javier said. 

“Yes, but it wasn’t the same,” Yuzuru said. “Now you’re here again.” He didn’t ask what he was supposed to do with the space when Javier leaves again.

And Yuzuru did miss Javier then. It was a constant emptiness where something, someone warm used to be. Zhenya and Nishiyama’s presence masked things a little, new additions to their small TCC family, and Yuzuru took time to be kind to them the way one Spaniard was kind to him all those years ago. Nishiyama in particular, entered Yuzuru’s life more than most other skaters would have. Living in Toronto without his family at only 16 years old, Yuzuru’s mother had taken Nishiyama under her wing, having him over for dinner often. They got along well enough, but there was too much hero-worship for them to ever be good friends. Yuzuru’s star has ascended too high for someone 7 years his junior, who still had Yuzuru’s poster on his bedroom wall, to ever be casual with him. 

Yuzuru had had practice with Shoma and Jun Hwan on being the _sempai_ but he was more used to being the younger one, the pretty, talented one, doted on by admiring adults, indulged by other skaters, over-indulged by a particular Spanish one. Yuzuru was spoiled and can be petulant when he doesn’t get his way, but he had a naturally kind, giving personality that made him return the kindness he receives. When he wasn’t competing, Yuzuru was affectionate by nature and liked to shower the world with his own brand of sunshine, perpetuating the cycle of indulgence from those who basked in his smiles and laughter.

The new skaters at TCC added a brightness to Yuzuru’s world but they did not fill the gaping hole that Javier’s retirement left. Yuzuru did as he has always done, focused on skating and winning. He lost some, and he always called Javier for consolation. He won most, and still called Javier to celebrate. They texted most days, Skype-called on some. Sent pictures of what they were doing. Javier would leave him funny messages that he knew Yuzuru won’t see until after the competition. And the days passed until the off season and they saw each other in the ice shows. And the cycle would repeat until the next ice show. 

“We could be together again,” Javi said. “You’re retired now, you don’t have to be based in Toronto. We could do the same ice shows. Spend time in both Japan and Spain. I know you want to build a training school. We can work on that together.

Yuzuru doesn’t point out the glaring flaw in that plan. Yuzuru thinks he is getting better at not saying things, but each withheld word is tolling a heavy price.

“Javi?”

“Hmm?”

“How did you know she was the one?” Yuzuru asked.

Yuzuru frowned. He didn’t know he was going to ask it until he did. He had never asked about any of them before. From the way Javier’s hand stilled, had stopped running through Yuzuru’s hair, Javier was just as surprised at the question.

But the moment he asked, Yuzuru realized he wanted to know. _Why this one?_ Raising the question: _Why not Yuzuru?_

Javier was quiet for so long Yuzuru had began to think he wasn’t going to answer, that Yuzuru had again overstepped the bounds of what friends and not-friends do. “It doesn’t sound romantic but I suppose the real answer is it was the right time for me,” Javier finally said. “I was too young before. I don’t think I felt more for her than I did for Miki or Marina. Each one was different. But it was the right time with her the way it wasn’t for the others, and we suited one another. I could see myself being happy living with her. So I asked. She said yes.” 

Time. Javier is saying Yuzuru had ran against time and lost. Yuzuru closed his eyes. So many words clamoring to get out from his constricting chest that he does not say. 

The truth was Yuzuru was only in this position because of his failing knee. Had he been healthy, he would be competing at the Olympics next year and he wouldn’t have gone and asked Javier if he still loved him. Yuzuru wouldn’t have known how painful it was to have your heart broken. Yuzuru would have gone on for another season or two, and by the time he looked around, Javier would have been long married, with a child in his arms, and this woman by his side. 

And Yuzuru would have felt pangs of loss and, in quiet moments, dreamt of what might have beens, but not broken inside. Yuzuru wished he knew how to not be broken inside. 

“Javi?” 

“Yes?”

“Before, when I said I can’t be with you, I’m sorry. I hurt you then, I’m really sorry,” Yuzuru said. He’s been thinking about that these past two days. He had known he hurt Javi, but he didn’t know it hurt this much, to be told no by the one you love.

“I always understood why you said no, Yuzu. It hurt, but I understood. You lived and breathed skating in a way I never did,” Javier said.

“You were always important to me, Javi,” Yuzuru said, wanting to make that clear. 

“I know,” Javier said. “Just not important enough,” he added, taking Yuzuru’s hand that was lying on his chest and squeezing it, as if in apology for the truth of his words. “I was a fixture in your life, an important one, but ultimately, not important enough.”

“There was never anyone else, Javi. You were always the most important one,” Yuzuru said.

“I know, Yuzu,” Javier responded. “I do know. I could never decide if knowing that you had feelings for me too was worse or better. Some days, it was a consolation; some days it hurt too much to think about. But I always understood.” 

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Yuzuru said, looking up at Javier.

“I know that too,” Javier said, looking down to meet Yuzuru’s eyes. “But it’s done. It’s in the past. We’ve got our medals. And we’re here now.”

Yuzuru nodded. “I just want you to be happy, Javi,” 

“You’re not,” Javier said.

Yuzuru smiled sadly. “I don’t think our happiness is compatible,” he said.

It was just like their medals. They both couldn’t be at the top of the podium. No matter how much Yuzuru wished otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes:  
> [1} _Seiza_ is a formal way of seating in Japan, where your legs are folded underneath your thighs, and you sit with your buttocks resting on your heels. Having attended a couple of tea ceremonies, I can attest that unless you are used to sitting like this, it can get _very_ uncomfortable, _very_ fast . 
> 
> [2} I'm curious. Are people actually re-reading the whole thing every time or just reading the new chapters as they get posted? Because this is getting pretty long and not likely to end soon. I'm chopping up the work in smaller more manageable chunks instead of dumping 20 pages of text in one go.
> 
> As always, drop me a line at the comments below or at onewhiteblossom@gmail.com. I love to talk <3


	5. A Time For Laughter, A Time For Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere, at some point, between sobbing so much he couldn’t breathe and lying here now on the couch beside Javier, Yuzuru’s heart made a decision. The rest of him follows.

Yuzuru woke up that morning surprised that he felt...not good, but good enough. He tentatively took stock of his feelings and found the hurt and sadness still there but contained. Manageable. Not threatening to drown him as it did in previous days.

Despite the painful start of the evening before, his conversation with Javier had eased up, and remained light for the rest of the night. Yuzuru’s questions had paved the way for more. They caught up where they had lost contact, carefully smoothing over the rough edges created by time when they didn’t share their daily lives with each other anymore. They weren’t so much sharing anecdotes or funny stories as sharing glimpses of each other’s lives. Three years is a long time and there were a lot of gaps but Yuzuru and Javier were willing engineers, nimbly crafting bridges where needed. It had been a long time since Yuzuru and Javier had talked, really talked, without the distraction of TV, video games, or other skaters. The tissue box stayed unused, and Yuzuru felt grateful. 

Throughout the evening, Yuzuru had stayed pillowed on Javier’s lap. In between gesticulating as he spoke, Javier’s hands had stroked Yuzuru’s hair, clasped Yuzuru’s hand, rested on Yuzuru’s chest or absent-mindedly rubbed his stomach. Mostly it had cupped the side of Yuzuru’s face, fingers gently stroking the tender skin of his neck, as he looked up at Javier. Each stroke of Javier’s hand slowly spread peace and contentment through Yuzuru. Like their pictures, Yuzuru cannot tell the difference between Javier’s touches now and when he still loved Yuzuru. 

Yuzuru, for his part, basked. It was easy to bury the pain and sadness when he had Javier like this. 

He had stifled his third yawn for the night when Javier proclaimed the evening over. Yuzuru got up from the sofa, expecting Javier to leave but he insisted on staying until Yuzuru was safely tucked in bed. Yuzuru smiled, shaking his head, but went to the bathroom anyway, leaving Javier to tidy up their drinks. Yuzuru snuggled in his massive King bed and said goodnight to Javier with his eyes already drifting shut. He still felt Javier brush his hair away from his forehead but didn’t hear it anymore when the outside door clicked shut.

The practice and ice show that day went without a hitch. There was a moment backstage when Shoma couldn’t find his bag with his skates in it, and people were scrambling to find boots in his size from the other skaters, but it was eventually found in the dining area where he had left it. During breakfast, young Rika had shyly come up to Yuzuru and gave him a thank-you card for his kind words from the day before, bowing and blushing the entire time, which Yuzuru graciously accepted saying he will treasure it always, engendering more bowing and blushing before she fled away. He gave the card to his staff for safekeeping, knowing it will find its way to his rooms later. 

Yuzuru left the dining area that morning with no sign of Javier, but Javier found him about an hour later as he was going through his warm-up routine. Javier asked how he was and Yuzuru was able to truthfully say that he was okay. It was mostly true at any rate. Javier set up his mat a few feet away from Yuzuru and set to his own warm-up. Yuzuru placed his earphones back on, and continued working on each muscle group, head occasionally bopping to the music. Javier was a familiar presence just off his peripheral vision, as he had been for almost a decade. 

Misha cornered him after morning practice, just as the skaters were filing to the dining area for lunch. Misha held Yuzuru’s arm, looked into his eyes, assessing, told him that he looked much better today, and that Misha was glad. Yuzuru had flushed and stammered, but Misha just hugged him, said he was hungry, and skated away, calling back to Yuzuru to hurry up.

By the time Yuzuru came in, most of the skaters had already sat down with their food, with only a few remaining in the buffet line. The skaters have known each other long enough that national divisions weren’t that marked. If anything, people sat according to age and discipline. Team Japan were clumped together but mostly because they were the largest group by far and one can hardly sit down any place without a Japanese skater beside you. 

The seat beside Javier was, unsurprisingly, empty. Yuzuru lined up for his food then headed there. Javier looked up from his conversation with Nobu, and raised an eyebrow at him. Yuzuru shook his head, smiling. It was their shorthand for “you’re late, anything wrong?” and “nothing important, just some matters I needed to attend to.” Yuzuru joined the conversation, laughing at Nobu’s jokes. Once, he laughed so hard he was doubled over, one hand on Javier’s shoulder for support, the other slapping the table, the skaters at their table looking at him in fond amusement.

Yuzuru was toweling his hair dry that evening when he got a text from Javier asking if he wanted to watch a movie or talk. After brief consideration, Yuzuru typed in “talk please” and pressed send.

Fifteen minutes later, he held the door open for Javier who walked in and stood surveying the chaos that is Yuzuru’s living area. Flowers, pooh bears, assorted stuffed animals, cards, and other crafts took up one side of the room. A teddy bear with pale brown fur wearing Yuzuru’s costume from last season sat in a place of honor on the couch. Yuzuru picked it up and made its arm wave at Javier, smiling behind its furry head.

“Are there more in the other room?” Javier asked, eyebrows raised.

Yuzuru nodded. “More flowers. And cards I read,” he said. Ornamental flowers had big pollen and don’t generally trigger his asthma.

Javier flicked the Yuzu bear’s nose with a finger and walked to a framed painting set down against one wall. It was the opening pose of last season’s free program and a very good likeness of Yuzuru. It _almost_ captured the intensity of his eyes, the majestic tilt of his head, the challenge etched on the lines of his shoulders.

“ _Okaasan_ will maybe keep that,” Yuzuru said. He found it odd to have pictures of himself hanging around him, but his parents kept the good ones. And as it was _their_ house, he can’t do much about it.

“It’s very good,” Javier said. “Do you know the artist?” he asked, giving cursory look to the series of kanjis on the lower right hand of the portrait. 

Yuzuru shook his head.

“Has your mother already seen it? She said she wants it?” Javier asked.

“No, not yet,” Yuzuru said. “Why?”

“Then can I have it?” Javier asked.

Yuzuru walked over, still carrying Yuzu bear in front of him, and stood beside Javier looking down at the painting. 

“You want that?” Yuzuru asked, tilting his head at Javier in question.

“It’s very good. Almost lifelike.”

Yuzuru tilted his head the other way, looking back at the painting, and tilted Yuzu bear as well for good measure. “I guess. Sure. I tell them to pack for you,” Yuzuru said smiling at Javier. 

“Thanks, Yuzu,” Javier said.

“Go sit,” Yuzuru said, waving the thanks away. “I’ll get us drinks.”

Javier was already seated on one end of the couch when Yuzuru came back. Yuzuru sat on the other end, back leaning against the arm rest, his legs stretched out on the couch. 

Conversation between them was light and easy. A continuation of yesterday, but with more laughter. As if they have scaled something momentous last night, through painful questions met with quiet answers, followed by soft conversation, and are now building something on top of it that looks similar to what they had back in TCC. 

They laughed about Nobu’s antics earlier, mocked the shiny purple and white monstrosity that is their costume for the second half of the show. They talked about Shoma's forgetfulness which led to Yuzuru teasing Javier about the times he forgot _and_ lost his skating boots on separate competitions, and that time he forgot to bring enough training gear leading to Javier wear Team Japan pants during official GP finals practice. Daisuke still liked to tease Javier about that when they see each other. At one point, Javier also stretched his legs out on the couch, sharing the space with Yuzuru’s, their legs touching.

Yuzuru’s phone rang from the bedroom, the ring tone identifying the caller as his mother, and he got up to answer it. He has a team of people taking care of things for him and they coordinate most items with Yumi who also acted as his manager. But Yumi is still his mother, and asked the same questions like any mother the world over. He confirmed he’s okay, eating and sleeping well. Yuzuru, like any grown son, refrained from telling his mom everything.

When he came back to the living area, Javier had slid down the couch, and was now lying down with his head on the armrest. He caught Yuzuru’s wrist as he passed. Yuzuru gave in to the gentle pull and sat down on the edge of the couch by Javier’s hip, facing him, smiling indulgently.

Javier smiled back. “You were too far away,” he explained.

Surprised, Yuzuru looked at Javier, really looked, and felt ashamed. Javier had dark circles under his eyes. He was smiling at Yuzuru but his eyes looked tired, conflicted. Yuzuru belatedly realized he wasn’t the only one who needed comfort. He had been too focused on his own pain that he didn’t see how Javier was doing. Javier had always been better at putting Yuzuru first, than the other way around. 

“How are you, Javi?” he asked softly, reaching out to brush Javier’s hair off his forehead. Javier leaned into Yuzuru’s touch, then took his hand and held it.

“I’m good,” Javier said, “considering I’m in a hell of my own making.” He smiled wryly, holding Yuzuru’s hand to this chest. 

Yuzuru bit his lip. “Do you...should we talk about it?” he said hesitantly.

For all their talk the last two days, except for Yuzuru’s question last night, Javier has not talked about her. Yuzuru was not interested in knowing more so had not asked again. 

Javier shook his head. Yuzuru looked at him dubiously. 

“After you leave me, do you sleep well?” Yuzuru asked, looking at the dark circles.

“Not really,” Javier said quietly, still smiling at Yuzuru.

“Oh, Javi,” Yuzuru whispered. He didn’t know what to do. How do you comfort someone who’s hurting for breaking your heart? 

“I sleep very well,” Yuzuru finally said, in a mock whisper.

Javier grinned. “That’s good to know.”

“I’m having The Best Sleep Ever,” Yuzuru said, nodding firmly.

“How do you do it?” Javier asked, enjoying the teasing.

“I --,” Yuzuru stopped. He sleeps well because Javier takes away his pain and gives him comfort. 

Javier was still holding Yuzuru’s hand against his chest. Yuzuru can now see that Javier craved his touch just as much as Yuzuru did Javier’s. Having realized it, Yuzuru didn’t know how to say no.

“Move over,” Yuzuru said. Javier blinked at him then smiled, pleased. And Yuzuru mentally kicked himself again for being too self-absorbed, not seeing what Javier needed. 

It was a tight fit but they managed. Yuzuru lay down on his stomach, gingerly fitting himself on the available space at the edge of the couch. The small space meant he was lying half on the couch, half on Javier. Yuzuru supported himself on one elbow, fist under his chin as he looked down at Javier, his other hand resting on Javier chest, their legs tangled together down the length of the couch. Javier’s outer arm was around him, which Yuzuru appreciated, hand trailing up and down Yuzuru’s back leisurely. It was warm and, more importantly, prevented him from falling off the couch. 

“Are you going home over the break?” Javier asked, after they had sorted out their limbs and Yuzuru was no longer in danger of tumbling to the floor. Javier was referring to the upcoming weekdays when there were no ice shows.

Yuzuru shook his head. “Not this week. I have interviews. Next week, maybe. But I saw them last week,” Yuzuru continued. “My nephew was all cheeks. So cute,” Yuzuru smiled softly, remembering.

“How old is he again? One?” Javier asked, smiling back.

“Yes. I missed the birthday, was at 4CC. He can walk a little. Talks a lot, but just sounds” Yuzuru said, making chatting motions with his fingers.

“Does he look like you?” Javier asked.

“That’s what they say. Saya _ane_ showed my baby pictures,” Yuzuru said.

“Now that’s a thought, a miniature babbling Yuzu. He probably has everyone wrapped around his pudgy little fingers,” Javier said.

Yuzuru smiled. His stay in Toronto had been hard on his family. But he was too young at the time to fully appreciate the sacrifice everyone made for him. He had his mother with him, he was training and winning medals. That made perfect sense to his teenage self. As he grew older, he came to realize just how much his pursuit of excellence affected his family. They have never wavered though. He has never heard a single word of reproach from his sister for making her give up a sport she liked because the family could not afford to pay for 2 children to take up skating, for forcing her to navigate her early adulthood without the guidance of her mother. His father simply says as long as he does his best, then it is good. 

His mother had been unable to be with his sister during her pregnancy. Saya was forced to rely on the assistance of her aunts and mother-in-law while Yumi was left to fret over Skype. Yuzuru’s retirement will allow his mother to play grandmother to a chubby, little boy, whose mother she was forced to leave for 9 years to take care of Yuzuru.

“Do you want to come? When I go home?” Yuzuru asked on impulse.

Javier looked pleased, his eyes lighting up. “Is that okay?”

“ _Okaasan_ would be happy to see you,” Yuzuru said, nodding. 

Yuzuru knew that his mother liked Javier, had always seen him as a good influence, tempering her son’s intensity, providing a release valve to the pressure. Yuzuru has never lacked for motivation or focus. His injuries were often the result of too much practice rather than errors committed because of lack of practice. Javier’s presence lent a welcome respite to Yuzuru’s single-minded focus. Yuzuru has never discussed his relationship with Javier with his mother; it was never relevant before. But having watched them together for 6 years, Yuzuru has no doubt that his mother is aware that _something_ is there.

“I think I do the ice shows for May and June,” Yuzuru said lightly, making a decision.

That got Javier’s attention. “What changed your mind?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

“What else to do for summer?” Yuzuru said, smiling. It wasn’t a lie. Because Yuzuru wasn’t very good at outright lies, especially not to Javier. But it wasn’t the truth either. 

Somewhere, at some point, between sobbing so much he couldn’t breathe and lying here now on the couch beside Javier, Yuzuru’s heart made a decision that the rest of him didn’t even know about until now. He felt happy and content within the circle of Javier’s arms. He felt warm and safe and treasured. He felt loved. And Yuzuru wanted to enjoy this while he could, for as long as he could.

There will be time enough to grieve later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1] _okaasan_ is mother.
> 
> [2] _ane_ is older sister.


	6. In Exchange for A Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuzuru contemplates what to do with Javier, gifts given, and prizes won.

It was their 3rd ice show, the last for this city, and both skaters and crew have got their routines down pat. Camera angles, lights, entrance and blocking, all running smoothly. But as is the way of ice shows, the moment they get used to it, it’s time to move to the next venue and go through the gelling process all over again. But for today, Yuzuru is looking forward to an easy day where people know their cues and all technical kinks have already been ironed out.

Practice was laid back, involving a lot of down time as they waited for their turn to run through their respective programs. As in meals, skaters tend to group themselves according to age and discipline, which meant Yuzu spent most of his time with the older men singles skaters. It was comfortable time; conversation flowed easily and laughter was common. 

Javier was a warm, familiar presence throughout the day. With his newfound knowledge of last night, Yuzuru kept an eye on Javier, and realized Javier was also keeping an eye on him. To everyone else, they probably looked like they were constantly giving each other sidelong glances and smiling at each other when their eyes inadvertently met.

Last night, when they got up from the couch, Yuzuru insisted that Javier leave without needing to tuck Yuzuru in bed. He walked Javier to the door and stepped in for a hug, as if they hadn’t spend the last hour lying on the same sofa, sharing warmth. It was a loose embrace, Yuzuru’s arms around Javier’s neck, Javier’s low his back. Yuzuru pulled back a little too look at Javier.

“Try to get some sleep,” Yuzuru said, softly.

Javier nodded. “You too,” he said.

Yuzuru smiled impishly. “I know I will.”

Javier grinned. “Good night, Yuzu ” Javier pulled him in again, and kissed him on top of his head. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said and left.

A few minutes later Yuzuru was already in bed, and true to his word, fast asleep.

Yuzuru’s original assessment was correct, he had known that it would hurt Javier to see him in pain. 3 years apart did not change that. Javier’s instinct would be to comfort Yuzuru, the way he has always done all these years. Comforting him lessened the pain, which lessened Javier’s worry and concern but didn’t really allow Yuzuru to let go of his feelings for his Javier. They were caught in a screwed up cycle of long history and seemingly good intentions. 

It would perhaps have been better if Yuzuru had pushed through with his plan to avoid Javier so he could have time to recover, find peace, and resume their friendship once Yuzuru is able to be happy for Javier. But it’s too late for that. Javier, for his own reasons, perhaps through misguided well-intentions, has forced them to stay together, has done his best to keep Yuzuru at his side. And Yuzuru has already made his choice. It is human nature to choose immediate happiness over pain.

 

As was usual, some skaters had made plans to go out that night to celebrate. There is no scheduled practice tomorrow and people can drink and have a late night. No one was surprised that Yuzuru declined the invitation. He generally only attended the dinner party at the end of the tour. The company was good but he was already with them all day, everyday. And he didn’t like the taste of alcohol or its after-effects. In any case, gone were the days when he can simply walk down the streets of Japan without a complement of bodyguards and assistants to keep fans off him and that kind of attention just lessened everyone’s enjoyment. 

Yuzuru insisted that Javier go. He had always gone to these events and Yuzuru was aware that he had monopolized Javier’s time for the past several days. It would be good to have time apart, it might help Yuzuru think.

So he was surprised to open his door that evening to find Javier standing there. 

“Why are you here? I thought you were going out?” Yuzuru said, his face mirroring his surprise.

“I am. I just wanted to check on you before I left,” Javier said.

Yuzuru saw that Javier was indeed dressed in street clothes, not the soft shirts and pants he wore when he spent evenings in Yuzuru’s rooms. Javier looked good. He smelled good.

“I’m okay, Javi,” Yuzuru said, midway between indulgent and exasperated.

Javier just smiled. Yuzuru stepped aside to let him in.

“What were you doing?” Javier asked.

Yuzuru gestured to the fan gifts that seem to have multiplied overnight like wet gremlins. It’s now 3 shows worth and took up most of the room, including the couch. His staff have separated the perishable flowers and food items and have already set aside the plushies to be given to local hospitals, but Yuzu still had to go through the cards and other items that were meant for him. The items to be donated won’t be picked up until tomorrow, so for the meantime Yuzuru lives with Pooh bears for carpeting.

Javier raised his eyebrows at the mess. “More in the other room?” 

Yuzuru nodded with a half laugh. He had always gotten more gifts than everyone else but his retirement had caused a veritable deluge. 

“Oh!” Yuzuru exclaimed softly. “Something I want to show you.” He went to the other room and came back with a sheaf of papers.

“Look at these! They are so cute,” he said smiling.

_These_ were a series of caricatures of Yuzuru and Javier in chibi forms; small happy figures in various costumes or training gears, with fat butts and chubby cheeks, having fun together. They were based from real life pictures of them that Yuzuru has seen floating in the internet. The pictures covered all 6 years that Yuzuru and Javier skated together at TCC, as well as some ice shows they did together. They were drawn on heavy vellum, and each small figure was beautifully colored, the detailing in the costumes exquisite. Yuzuru loved them.

“So,” Javier began, with a side glance at Yuzuru, “These are mine?” 

“What? No!” Yuzuru said, making a grab for the papers but Javier was prepared, pulling them to one side, away from Yuzuru. 

Javier grinned at Yuzuru’s shocked face. Yuzuru made another attempt but Javier kept him off with one hand, holding the drawings away with the other.

“You’re gonna make me crease the drawings,” Javier said, shaking his head at Yuzuru. “You have tons of stuff, you don’t need these.”

“You have my painting making murder eyes at you, give it back!” Yuzuru was laughing trying to reach behind Javier. Yuzuru kept at it but all he really managed was to get himself plastered against Javier’s body. “Javi, give it back!”

“Tell you what, I’ll exchange you for it,” Javier said.

“What do you want?” Yuzuru said, still struggling to reach, laughing against Javier.

“A kiss,” Javier said.

“What?” Yuzuru said, not sure if he heard right. He stopped struggling and suddenly became aware how close their faces were, their bodies flush against each other, both of his arms were around Javier, one of Javier’s arm around him.

“You heard me,” Javier said, his voice low. He reached up one hand to Yuzuru’s chin, holding it in place. “I want a kiss,” he said. He leaned in and touched his lips to Yuzuru’s. 

It wasn’t much of a kiss, barely longer than a peck. A moist pressure on his lips and it was done. Yuzuru didn’t have time to protest, much less respond, and Javier was already pulling away. But he felt it all the way to his toes and back. 

Javier brushed Yuzuru’s hair away from his forehead and looked directly into his eyes. 

Yuzuru doesn’t know what Javier sees in his face. But his heart is pounding, his breathing uneven, and his eyes keep blinking. Yuzuru wets his lips with his tongue in a nervous gesture, and Javier’s gaze flicks to his lips, following the movement. 

“Javi…” Yuzuru whispered, eyes wide, barely processing what’s happening, “what are you doing?” 

“Going crazy apparently,” Javier said after a pause. He bent his head and touched their foreheads together, letting out a deep sigh. Heartbeats passed. Yuzuru felt it when the tension left Javier’s body.

“This is not good for you, Javi,” Yuzuru whispered. “I don’t think it’s good for me.”

Javier kissed Yuzuru’s forehead in response. To soothe him, or in apology, or because he can’t help it. Yuzuru cannot tell. Perhaps all three.

Javier handed him the sheaf of papers. 

“It was a good exchange,” Javier said with a wry smile.

Yuzuru looked askance at Javier then started laughing, loud barks of laughter, a relief from the previous tension.

“It’s good to see you laugh, Yuzu,” Javier said, grinning, after Yuzuru had calmed down.

“It feels good to laugh,” Yuzuru said with a nod.

“Will you be okay?” Javier asked.

Yuzuru considered, then nodded again. “Yes, go. Have fun. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

With a final squeeze of his hand, Javier left.

Yuzuru picked up the nearest Pooh and squished its face. “What am i gonna do with Javi?” he asked, but got no answer from the bright yellow face that smiled happily at him.

 

[ Are you awake? ] 

[ Yes. What’s up? ]

[ Dinner is done but drinks were interrupted. Scott had tummy issues. ]

[ Poor Scott. Where are you now? Hotel? ]

[ Outside your room :) ]

Yuzuru opened the door and shook his head at Javier, who didn’t even have the decency to look sheepish. He was smiling, far too boyish for a man of 30, and looking utterly confident of his welcome.

“You’re here again.”

“Yes. Checking up on you,” Javier said.

“You already did that,” Yuzuru said exasperated, but smiling back.

“I’m checking up on you again,” Javier said.

Yuzuru stepped back with a laugh to let Javier in. 

“You smell of smoke.” He said, putting up a hand to stop Javier from hugging him. Another reason why Yuzuru did not like going to these outings. Eating in Japanese restaurants, it’s almost unavoidable to not to come out smelling like an ashtray, and cigarette smoke can trigger his asthma.

“Are you staying?” he asked.

“If you’re not sleepy yet,” Javier said.

Yuzuru _was_ already in bed. He shrugged and looked around but the couch was filled with gifts. 

“Come,” Yuzuru said, gesturing for Javier to follow him to the inner room.

There was a high-backed reading chair in one corner and a divan along one wall but both were full of fan gifts. Yuzuru got back on the massive king size bed, sitting cross-legged in the middle. Javi followed, lying on his side on top of the bed covers, head pillowed on one arm, facing Yuzuru.

“Did you have fun?” Yuzuru asked.

Javier nodded. “Dinner was good.”

“Too bad it ended early,” Yuzuru said.

“They’re still at the bar. I volunteered to walk Scott back to the hotel. Tessa wasn’t with us.” Javier said.

That made more sense. Yuzuru knew these things lasted well into the night, and everyone would wake up the next day complaining how they’re not as young as they used to be, but then do it all over again in the next city.

They talked a little more about Javier’s night out and Yuzuru’s efforts to get through the piles of cards and letters but it was late and Yuzuru was getting sleepy. Javier didn’t seem any better off; days of bad sleep combined with the alcohol and comfy position, and Yuzuru could see he was ready to drift off as well. 

“You’re sleepy, Javi. Don’t you want to go back to your room?” he said softly.

“Not particularly.”

Yuzuru made a decision.

“Do you want to stay here?”

Javier smiled sleepily. “Yes, please.”

“Alright,”’ Yuzuru said, getting up from the bed. “But you need to take off your clothes.”

Yuzuru realized what he said and whipped around to face Javier. 

“I meant you need sleep clothes. So no smoke smell,” Yuzuru said, all but stammering. He was grateful for the dim lighting of the room. He could feel his cheeks burning up. His innocent words creating tension in the room that wasn’t there before.

He rummaged in his luggage and pulled out a shirt that was a little too large for him and a pair of sweatpants. He turned around and found Javier was standing behind him, far closer than he was expecting. Their hands brushed as Javier took the bundle from him. Considering they had spent the past days practically in each other’s arms, it was silly to be nervous now. But he was.

“I wanna take a shower. Can I use the hotel stuff?” Javier said, voice low, almost gruff.

“Yes, sure,” Yuzuru replied. His voice coming out more breathless than he intended. He cleared his throat. “Or my stuff is also okay.”

Javier cupped the side of Yuzuru’s face the way he has a thousand times before and Yuzuru felt heat radiating from that point down to his core. 

“Okay,” Javier said, then turned and left for the bathroom. 

Yuzuru stood in the middle of the room, looking at the closed bathroom door, biting his lip. It’s too late to take it back. 

He looked at the bed. It’s a big bed. A really big bed. This can work.

_But if he touches me, will I say no?_

Yuzuru has said no before. Twice. But that was before. When he had gold medals to win. 

_He’s with someone._

This was easier. Yuzuru had no connection to this girl. If Javier makes this choice, that’s his choice to make.

_If he takes me, can I give him back?_

Yuzuru frowned at the bed. 

_Do I have to give him back?_

Medals and prizes, once won, remain won.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the hate mail commence :)


	7. The Simple Joy of Being in Your Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning cuddles, Yuzuru decided, was one of the best moments he has ever experienced. Not quite on par with winning medals in terms of intensity but just as defining.

It was late afternoon the next day, Yuzuru was looking out the van’s window, barely registering the passing scenery. His mind kept flashing back to the TV host’s question from earlier in the day, his hands clenching reflexively in frustration. The interview was held in a function room of the same hotel where Yuzuru and the other skaters had been staying. There was no show or practice today and the other skaters had already left for the next city. 

Javier had spent the previous night in Yuzuru’s suite, in his bed. By the time he had stepped out of the bathroom from taking a shower, Yuzuru was already under the covers, lying on his side, leaving half of the bed free. Javier sat on the edge, toweling his hair dry. 

“No need to wait for me, Yuzu. Go sleep,’ Javier said. “What time do you need to wake up tomorrow?”

Yuzuru shook his head. “We can sleep in. My team won’t be here before 11.”

“Go sleep, Yuzu.” Javier repeated, before heading back to the bathroom.

Yuzuru closed his eyes. He heard the hair dryer hum for a few minutes, the faucet run, then felt the bed dip as Javier came in under the covers. He opened his eyes and saw Javi facing him. It really was a big bed, with a large space between them.

“Thank you, Yuzu,”

Yuzuru was too sleepy for surprise. “For what?”

“Letting me stay,” Javier said, extending an arm across the space with the hand upturned in invitation.

Yuzuru uncurled his arm from hugging the pillow and reached out. He fell asleep with the warmth of Javier’s hand in his. 

Sometime in the night, Yuzuru woke up to find he has turned to face the other way; there was a weight across his waist, and a warmth at his back. He looked down to see a well-muscled arm, with dark veins running down the length of it, visible even through the soft curls. _Javi_ his sleepy brain provided, and he drifted back to sleep.

When he next woke up, Yuzuru knew it was still very early in morning. He could go back to sleep if he wished. He turned around and saw Javi asleep on the other side of the bed, sprawled on his back, head turned away from Yuzuru. He spent that calm, disoriented time between barely awake and full wakefulness to contemplate what the corded muscles of Javi’s neck would feel like under his exploring lips. He closed his eyes and slept.

Yuzuru woke up startled, unsure what woke him up. His brain hastily fed him information, reassuring him that it was just Javi sleep-moving beside him. He sank back to the mattress, relaxing. He turned his head and saw that Javi was, indeed, still asleep. But Yuzuru was already fully awake.

He got up as carefully as he could, unused to having a bed companion. He was surprised he slept as peacefully as he did. He had expected to be on edge. He went to the bathroom and did his morning ablutions. There were still a couple of hours before he had to start preparing for the day. The bed was inviting, the man sleeping in it even more so. 

Yuzuru hesitated, and decided to indulge without necessarily pushing boundaries. He picked an armful of fanmail from the divan and carried it back to the bed, where he sat cross-legged and went through them methodically, reading the cards and letters, sorting them into neat piles for his staff to deal with later. It wasn’t necessary that he go through them all today. He had the rest of summer to do it. But the pile would just increase as he did more shows, and you don’t get to be an elite athlete if you had a habit of procrastinating.

Another armful of letters later, Javier began to move. He stretched out an arm and found Yuzuru’s knee. His eyes opened and Yuzuru saw no disorientation in them, just sleepiness.

“Hi,” Yuzuru said.

Javier gave him a sleepy smile, luxuriating in the soft sheets.

“What time is it?”

“Still, early. Unless you need to pack?” Yuzuru asked, raising an eyebrow.

Javier shook his head. “I did most of it last night.”

“You have an hour and 15 before breakfast ends.”

Javier nodded and got up for the bathroom. Yuzuru tidied up his piles of fanmail. When Javier came back, he lay back down on the bed as Yuzuru half-expected. He suspected that Javier was one for lingering in the mornings. Yuzuru pushed the letters to one side of the bed and lay down on his side as well, near the middle of the bed, facing Javier. 

“Did you sleep well?” Javier asked.

Yuzuru smiled. “I did. You?”

Javier nodded. “Much better than the past nights.”

Yuzuru reached out and brushed Javier’s hair. Like the night before, Javier caught his hand, kissed it, and held it to chest.

“I have a better idea,” Javier said. “Spoon or cuddle?”

Yuzuru’s eyes widened. He tried to pull his hand away but Javier held firm. 

“We _could_ do something else but there’s not enough time for it,” Javier said wagging his eyebrows at Yuzuru playfully.

Yuzuru was torn between being scandalized and amused. Beneath the teasing, he was aware of his hand trapped in Javier’s, a distinct point of warmth. 

“Cuddle?” Javier asked gently.

Yuzuru bit his lip and nodded. “Cuddle.”

“Alright,” Javier replied, pulling Yuzuru closer. He followed willingly, finding himself tucked securely under Javier’s chin, his face pressed to Javier’s neck. Warm arms around him, their legs not quite entangled but lying together. It was, Yuzuru decided, one of the best moments he has ever experienced. Not quite on par with winning medals in terms of intensity but just as defining. 

“This is nice,” Yuzuru said, snuggling in.

“Not used to morning cuddles?” Javier asked. Yuzuru could hear the smile in his voice. 

Yuzuru shook his head.

“We have time. Next time we can spoon,” Javier said.

“Next time?” Yuzuru squeaked, trying to look up. But Javier’s hand at the back of his head kept Yuzuru’s face pressed to his neck.

Javier shushed him instead, and Yuzuru felt him kiss the top of his head.

They stayed together that way for a time. Yuzuru wondered if he would find this kind of warmth in another person’s arms or if it was something particular to Javier. Yuzuru supposed at one point, he would be forced to find out. He inhaled the warm scent of Javier and pushed the thought away, to be examined another day.

The demands of the day eventually pulled them apart. They met again briefly at the hotel dining area for a quick breakfast, then Javier was off to get ready and finish packing. He and the other skaters would be ushered to a different hotel at their next city. Yuzuru went back to his rooms to meet his team and prepare for the TV interview to be held later that day. The multitude of Pooh bears were picked up while they were discussing his decision to attend the May and June ice shows after all. 

The interview was a one-on-one Q&A conducted by a TV host that Yuzuru has known for a while. They were not in as good terms as he was with Shuzo Matsuoka but the professional relationship was cordial enough. Yuzuru tended to give more candid interviews with people he had personal relationships with than he does during press conferences, his private persona unconsciously bleeding into the way he answers the questions. The closer he was to the interviewer, the more candid he became.

The first part of the interview was predictable enough. They talked about his recent win at Worlds, his retirement, and what he plans to do now. He said he is gratified that he was able to skate his best and gave the people who were watching a skate that they deserved to see. He confirmed his injury, but assured everyone that while he will no longer be competing, he is still fit to skate in ice shows and looks forward to performing for people for many more years to come. While the idea of coaching appeals to him, he is not yet ready to tackle such an ambitious undertaking this year or even the next. He instead looks forward to lending his support to Team Japan. Yes, his family is supportive of his decision to retire and he is eternally grateful for their support for the last 2 decades. 

The next question had Yuzuru visibly flustered. He really should have seen it coming but for some reason, the question caught him unprepared. Mainstream Japanese media had, for the most part, been respectful of his privacy, confining their questions to his career and the sport, conscious that Yuzuru, while usually the most affable of interviewees, quickly and categorically shuts down any speculation that links him romantically with anyone. 

The TV host had asked if, now that he was retired, Yuzuru was ready to date and settle down. 

Yuzuru was 26 years old, an age that sounded ancient to his young self who, when asked about love in an interview, had said that he would like to get married at 25 or 26. It seemed like a reasonable age at the time. And a lifetime away. 

After he won in Pyeongchang, during one of the Hanyu extended family gatherings, his aunts broached the idea of _omiai_ , an arranged meeting with a prospective marriage match. He had thrown a panicked look at his mother who had smoothly intervened, saying Yuzuru still had dreams he wanted to achieve as a figure skater and talks like this could be postponed at a more appropriate time. His aunts insisted that attending an _omiai_ doesn’t mean that Yuzuru needs to get married right now, only that he explore the options out there. His father, in the calm but firm way he has, said the family will continue supporting Yuzuru for as long as he wants to pursue skating, and the matter was dropped.

It wasn’t that Yuzuru was against the idea of an arranged match. He had known intellectually that there was no way he could go on normal dates with people his age. His circumstances precluded this. His fame would bring disaster to the private life of any girl he dates. Better to find a match and present a _fait accompli_ to the world, much like Nobu did, showing up with a wife and child. An event where Yuzuru introduces his fiancé to the world with an undisclosed wedding date and requests for well-wishes would be the best way to do it. 

Knowing something, however, and actually doing it are two different things. Intellectually, he could see himself married, with a child or two; he’d be the head of the family, kind to his wife like his father is to his mother, but doting on his kids, like his father wasn’t to him and his sister. 

Oddly enough, this far-off mental image did not come in conflict with his feelings for Javier. 

Javier was Javier. The most important person in his life. The reason why he went to Canada. The person who reminds him why he skates in the first place. The first person whose happiness he actually cared about. Being with Javier was as natural and necessary as breathing. 

Dating and marriage and having children, on the other hand, were just something that people did. Like going to university.

If pressed, Yuzuru even had a name in mind. Kanon Matsuda. A classical concert pianist Yuzuru had met at a PR stint during in the Pyeongchang season. He was bringing back Chopin’s Ballade No. 1 and his team arranged for Kanon to play the piece live for him. It was televised and, of course, people ate it up. But Yuzu had been truly impressed with her skill and passion for her craft. She was 2 years younger than him, beautiful, came from a good family. She had begun playing the piano when she was 4 years old. She understood the pressure and the mental discipline needed to succeed. She was not a skater but it was enough common ground to start with. They had kept in touch over the years, sending congratulatory emails whenever he won or she released a new CD. He wasn’t romantically interested in her any more than he was with any other man or woman but she was highly suitable and perfectly acceptable. 

At hearing the question, Yuzuru’s eyes had bugged out, like they do whenever he’s asked by the foreign press to answer in English. His laugh probably sounded self-effacing, modest, but inside he was buying time to get this thoughts in order. He was touching his hair for all the world looking like he was suddenly shy at the idea of dating, and not at all desperate, clutching for something non-controversial and halfway intelligent to say.

The time with Javier this morning popped unbidden in his mind. The hugs, touching, and hand holding were normal for them. Even lying down with one’s head pillowed on the other’s lap was normal - uncommon but normal. They’ve seen each other naked, they’ve slept in the same bed. But they have never cuddled in the morning before, during that peaceful time when they have just woken up, and the demands of the day haven’t yet made itself known. A quiet time, just for themselves. Sharing comfort and love and warmth. A little playful. Talking about their schedule for the day, subtly checking when their paths can conveniently cross again. There was low-key awareness and the beginnings of arousal but mostly he was enjoying the feel of being held like he was something wanted, precious. He remembered thinking if he could have that with another person as well and the thought was formed and out of his mouth before he could parse it.

Yuzuru told the host, in a quiet, wistful voice, with a soft, vulnerable look in his face that made him seem much younger than his 26 years, that he was looking forward to meeting that someone that he can share his life with.

He had known from the stunned face of the TV host, the same stunned look that was mirrored in the faces of the camera and studio crew, that he had misspoken. His answer was unexpectedly too personal. He smiled and made a joke, and his host chimed in, too professional to remain wrong-footed for long. But his reaction had already been caught in camera. This would be televised through the whole of Japan, uploaded and dissected by his international fans, and he felt exposed. 

Yuzuru sighed. There wasn’t anything he could do about it now. People would speculate and he’d very probably receive date invitations and marriage proposals by the thousands.

It was already evening when Yuzuru got to the new hotel. By the time he was checked in and ushered to his suite, he was tired and hungry. He gently but firmly shooed his team away, graciously thanking them for the day’s hard work. He had timed it perfectly and he was already showered and changed into more comfortable clothes when room service arrived with his dinner. 

The ante room of his suite was a copy of the previous one. TV, coffee table, and a stuffed armchair to compensate for the smaller-sized couch. The only thing missing was one Spanish skater.

As if conjured by his thoughts, his phone beeped and it was Javier.

[ Did you get to the hotel okay? ]

[ Yes. Maybe an hour ago. ]

[ What are you doing? ]

[ Eating dinner in my room. You? ]

[ Waiting for an invite :) ]

Yuzuru snorted, caught between exasperation and a pleased feeling that heated his cheeks. He texted Javi to come and gave his room number. Javi must really have been waiting for an invitation because it seemed to Yuzuru that he had just pressed send and there was already a knock on the door.

He opened the door to a smiling Javier.

“Since when do you need an invite to come see me?” Yuzuru asked, eyebrow raised, eyes bright with teasing. 

“I wanted you to ask,” Javier replied seriously.

Yuzuru had been expecting a playful response and was surprised at Javier’s tone.

“You really need an invitation?” Yuzuru blinked.

“I need to know you want me here,” Javier said, with a small shrug of his shoulders.

Yuzuru’s mouth has formed into an ‘o’ as surprise gave way to realization.

“Of course, I want you here, Javi. I always want you with me,” Yuzuru said, smiling through the ache in his chest. He stepped in for a hug. How he had not managed to break this gentle, beautiful man with years of being stupid and oblivious, Yuzuru did not know. That Javier had stayed by Yuzuru’s side all these years was a testament to his devotion, not to Yuzuru’s care and attention.

“Come.” Yuzuru stepped back from the hug and took Javier’s hand, walking backwards into the room, pulling him in. “You can watch me eat,” he said, smile turning impish. Smiling again, Javier allowed himself to be led to the couch. 

“Seriously, do you want something from room service?” Yuzuru asked as he picked up his rice bowl and chopsticks from the coffee table.

Javier shook his head. “We went out and had dinner.” 

While Yuzuru ate, Javier told him about their adventures earlier as they wandered around looking for a likely place to eat. It’s Monday and most of the Japanese skaters had gone home and won’t be back until Wednesday morning when practice resumes. The foreign skaters were left to their own devices. Javier was being dramatic, making it seem like they were traversing wilderness, making Yuzuru laugh at the description of their supposed depredations, when Yuzuru knew very well that all of them have been to this city before in previous ice shows, if not in this exact hotel, and had been to Japan often enough to be able to navigate local maps and culture.

“What about you, how did your interview go?” Javier asked when Yuzuru had finished eating.

Yuzuru grimaced, remembering the interview. “They want to know what I will do now that I’m retired.”

“Why make a face. Of course they want to know,” Javier said, eyebrows raised.

“They want details. What will I do, what are my plans.” Yuzuru grimaced again. “But I don’t know yet. It still feels weird.”

Javi nodded, understanding. “It will get weirder,” he said in sympathy.

Yuzuru’s lips formed into a moue, suddenly unhappy. The intensity of his reaction to Javier’s rejection has made Yuzuru all but forget about the end of his competitive career. It’s been almost 3 months since the doctors have informed him that his run, while highly successful, was finally over. Yuzuru had been prepared, and he had gone out the way he wanted - a reigning champion, with a final beautiful skate. But it was still jarring not to be required to do the things he has done for the last 16 years, like choose a new program. 

Yuzuru moved down the length of the couch into Javier’s arms, his head pillowed on Javier’s shoulder, once again seeking comfort but for a different reason this time.

In past years, whenever Yuzuru was forced to sit out a competition because of injury, he would watch the live performance with an uncomfortable hollowness in his stomach. As if his body could not comprehend why he was not on the ice with the other skaters. When he was younger, the frustration and feeling of helplessness was palpable, almost like physical pain. It got easier as the years wore on and he sat out more competitions but the unpleasant feeling never fully went away. He can only imagine how he would feel when the next season begins in earnest.

“It will get better, Yuzu. I promise it will,” Javier said reassuringly, his arms around Yuzuru. “You will find a new normal.”

A new normal, with more ice shows, more media appearances. Moving back to Japan, more time with family and friends, missing Tracy and everyone at TCC. Growing up. Taking on more responsibilities. Finding someone and settling down. 

Yuzuru thought where Javier fit in all this. He’d be in Spain and married, and despite what he said the other night about staying together while they did ice shows and worked on the training school, he would probably have less time for Yuzuru. Not that Yuzuru was looking forward to spending any time with Javier’s wife. That’s pain he can live without. 

But Javier isn’t married yet. He’s here, holding Yuzuru, kissing the top of his head, talking to him in low tones, one of his big hands low on Yuzuru’s back, fingers hot like brands caressing naked skin where Yuzuru’s shirt had ridden up. 

Yuzuru thought about his dilemma last night, and the unexpected joy he found that morning in the simple act of being held. 

“Javi?”

“Yes?”

“Are you staying with me tonight?” Yuzuru asked.

“Do you want me to?” Javier finally said, after a beat that seemed to last a lifetime.

“I want,” Yuzuru said.

“Good.”

Yuzuru was surer of his answers now. He won’t say no. And he won’t give him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1} I've always thought that Javi, with his handsome looks and handsy ways, must have women throwing themselves at him. And judging from the way he always has a lady with him he must flirt like _crazy insane_. I don't mean this in a bad way. I'm sure he has platonic girl friends and can keep their relationship clean. But when he's interested in someone? He must be pretty good at it. Like he must push just the right amount, tease just this side of meaningful to get women (and Yuzu *coughs*) to respond. So for everyone asking why is Javi doing this, I say he's just being Javi ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> [2] I have low-key shipped Yuzu with Kanon IRL ever since I saw them [together](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_cXPvl0dAg). I mean if I can't have a Yuzu-Javi union for real, what with Javi's multitude of girlfriends and cheesy IG posts, then I can live with Yuzu settling down with Kanon and making beautiful, super talented babies together. They talk and are adorable in the second half of the video.
> 
> EDIT: I've been away too long. Apologies but I've been to Japan to watch Fantasy on Ice and actually got to see Yuzu and Javi skate LIVE!! <3   
> In the meantime, find me [@onewhiteblossom](https://twitter.com/onewhiteblossom) for more Yuzu love.


	8. Like Waves Crashing on the Shore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They were slowly but steadily crossing barriers that had been in place for years, barriers that were there because they were rivals, because Yuzuru wanted them there, because Javier was always with someone else. 
> 
> They weren’t rivals anymore. Now Yuzuru wanted more. But the last obstacle was still there.

Javier had declined Yuzuru’s offer of sleep clothes, saying the shirt he had on will do. Yuzuru had gestured for him to use the bathroom first. He double checked his schedule for tomorrow and set his alarm, then sent off a quick email to his team revising the meeting area tomorrow. Javier had come out of the bathroom in just his shirt and boxers, draping the pants on one of the chairs, and inclined his head for Yuzuru to use the bathroom now. Years of using the same locker room made sharing space a familiar kind of choreography. 

Like the couch, the bed was smaller than in the previous hotel but still big enough to accommodate two people comfortably. Yuzuru’s concern wasn’t so much the size of the bed, as the lack of sufficient pillows. There were only two instead of four, but he hadn’t noticed it until he was already joining Javi under the covers. Javi had taken one pillow for himself, leaving Yuzu with only one. 

“What’s wrong?” Javier said, noticing his hesitation.

“Only one pillow. I need one to hug,” Yuzu replied.

“Call housekeeping?”

Yuzuru slid in, shaking his head. He didn’t want to stay awake waiting for the indeterminate amount of time it will take housekeeping to send up more pillows. He will make do. He lay down on his side, facing Javier, unsure what to do with his limbs without a pillow to hug.

“If you come closer, you could hug me instead,” Javier said, amused at Yuzuru’s fidgeting.

Yuzuru snorted. “That would make harder to sleep.”

“You could come closer anyway,” Javier said.

Yuzuru could see Javier smiling in the dark. “I know what you want to do,” Yuzuru said haughtily.

He saw the smile widen into a grin. “What do I want to do?”

“You want keep me awake,” Yuzuru said.

“There’s no practice tomorrow,” Javier pointed out reasonably.

“I have site visit.”

“I guess you need your beauty sleep to look pretty for the camera,” Javier said.

The sheets were cold on his skin, and he could see Javier’s face across from him, familiar and beloved, smiling at him with love in his eyes. It’s the same look, all these years; it had never wavered. Yuzuru decided to be brave.

“Javi?” 

“Yes?”

“If I come closer, will you kiss me?” Yuzuru asked quietly, dropping the banter. He saw Javier’s eyes widen for the briefest of moments, then become heavy lidded. 

“Do you want me to?” Javier asked, repeating the pattern from earlier.

“I want,” Yuzuru said. 

“Then come,” Javier said, reaching out a hand in invitation.

Yuzuru closed the space between them, his eyes never leaving Javier’s. Despite his earlier question, it was Yuzuru who kissed Javier, leaning down to touch their lips together, supporting himself on elbows set on either side of Javier, body draped over his. He didn’t have much practice with kissing. The two times they had kissed, it was Javier who did the kissing, expertly claiming Yuzuru’s lips, overwhelming Yuzuru with heat and wetness until he had to push Javier away to get respite from the waves of emotions crashing into him. The other times with other people were too few and far in between and weren’t much better.

He took his time with Javier, enjoying the feel of his lips on his. His hands cupped Javier’s face, aware of the harsh stubbles prickling his soft palms. His lips were unbelievably soft. Warm and plump. He focused on his lower lip, hesitantly flicking it with his tongue before sucking the wetness he caused. He heard Javier suck in a breath, felt the hands on his hips grip reflexively. He did it again. 

Yuzuru learned that angling his head made for a better fit. He was kissing Javier, applying soft pressure here, a little suction there, slowly exploring the touch and feel and warmth of him when Javier opened his mouth and Yuzuru found molten heat. He gasped at the feel of Javier’s open mouth under him, hot and wet and waiting for him. Javier’s tongue met with his and Yuzuru whimpered. Yuzuru kissed Javier in earnest. All wetness and heat and pressure but he couldn’t get what he needed, didn’t know what he wanted. Yuzuru was whimpering, making small noises of need.

As has always been between them, Javier responded to Yuzuru’s need. He felt one hand leave his hip, leave a trail of heat up his back and stop at the back of his head. Then Javier kissed him. He pulled his head down, latched his mouth on Yuzuru’s open lips, and invaded his mouth with his tongue. A moment later and Javier was sucking on Yuzuru’s tongue, the pressure making Yuzuru unconsciously grind his hips down to Javier’s. 

With his hand still on Yuzuru’s hip and another on the back of his head, Javier flipped them over with practiced ease, never breaking the kiss, so that Yuzuru was now on his back. He nestled himself on the vee of Yuzuru’s open legs. Between Javier’s boxers and Yuzuru’s thin pajamas, there wasn’t much separating them.

Javier broke off the kiss. “Yuzu, wait,” he said, dropping a close-lipped kiss on Yuzuru’s lips.

Yuzuru blinked at Javi in confusion. He was panting, eyes dilated. “No more kissing?” he asked.

Javier gave a small laugh and dropped another kiss on Yuzuru’s lips. “Can kiss, but this can blow up really hot, really _really_ fast, Yuzu.” 

“You don’t want?” Yuzuru asked, still confused.

“You have no idea,” Javier said, dropping one small kiss after another on Yuzuru’s lips. “I only thought to hold you while you fall asleep. I’m not complaining, but I didn’t expect to be kissed so… enthusiastically,” Javier said wryly.

Yuzuru could feel himself blushing. “I’m sorry,” he stammered, “I thought -”

Javier kissed the words away. “Shh. Don’t say you’re sorry. I said I wasn’t complaining.” 

Yuzuru moved his hips and Javier made a short hissing sound. 

“Let’s just dial it down a bit,” Javier said, moving off Yuzuru. He lay down on his side and pulled Yuzuru to him so that they were lying face to face. 

“So. You liked kissing?” Javier said.

Yuzuru gave a small laugh that was just short of a giggle. “Yes. I liked.”

Javier grinned, brushing hair away from Yuzuru’s forehead. “Can you sleep like that or you’re too keyed-up?” 

Yuzuru considered. He was definitely aroused, a hot and heavy feeling in his groin. His lips felt swollen. His body sensitive. But there is a warmth in his chest that is more related to Javier’s indulgent smile than the wet kisses they shared. He smiled back, feeling the warmth spread.

“You said to hold me until I sleep?” Yuzuru said.

“That was the plan,” Javier said.

“Okay. You can hold me, no attacking Javi.”

Javier pulled him in and Yuzuru grinned against the base of his throat, feeling Javier’s chest shake with laughter. He allowed the arousal to pass, focusing on the low rumble he felt more than heard whenever Javier spoke. After a few more minutes of half-whispered, half-mumbled conversation, Yuzuru drifted off to sleep.

Like the night before, Yuzuru woke up a few times during the night, unused to having someone in bed with him. Each time he woke up, Javier was not far from his side. He took the knowledge with him each time he went back to sleep.

As was his habit, Yuzuru woke up just before his alarm went off. He checked the time on his phone and turned off the alarm. He had a few minutes before he had to get up and he spent it looking at the sleeping man beside him. Javier was classically handsome the way Yuzuru never was. He had always envied him his chiseled features, cheekbones that could cut and clearly defined jawline. This close Yuzuru could see each individual eyelash fanned out, the beginning of a stubble on his cheeks. The face was dear and familiar but the situation was not. 

Yuzuru eventually got up to take a shower. He noted the extra toothbrush on the sink, the towel that wasn’t his hanging on the bar. By habit, he walked out of the bathroom naked, rubbing his hair dry with a towel. On seeing Javi, Yuzuru wondered if he should have wrapped a towel around himself. Javier had certainly seen his body naked countless times before; they had shared a locker room for 6 years. But locker rooms and bedrooms are worlds apart. In any event, Javier was still asleep and Yuzuru decided to think about this for next time. 

He knew now that there would be a next time.

He went to his open luggage and put on some street clothes. Casual and comfortable. He will change again at the venue - the headquarters of one of his corporate sponsors - into more appropriately trendy clothes that they or perhaps his team will provide for him. None of his personal clothes are fit for a PR visit. 

He turned back to the bed and saw Javier was awake, looking at him. 

“Hi,” Yuzuru said, walking towards the bed. He sat down beside Javier, touching his cheek with gentle fingers. “It’s okay, is still early. You can sleep in. Told team to meet at lobby, not here.” Javier blinked slowly at him, not quite awake. Yuzuru smiled, amused. “Back to sleep. Be back around 4 maybe. Will see you later.” Yuzuru bent down and dropped a kiss on top of Javier’s left cheekbone, the same one he had been admiring earlier. Javier had already closed his eyes.

Yuzuru left his rooms with a small smile playing on his lips at the thought that Javier was sleeping in his bed.

The site visit went as expected. He was discretely ushered to a room where he was asked to change into a shirt and jacket bearing the colors and logo of his corporate sponsor. He was sat down in front of a mirror where his hair was brushed and waxed into place, the shine on his face dabbed away, a balm applied to his lips. He was brought to meet with the upper management, where more handshakes were exchanged than bows. After the official photographer was satisfied with the pictures, lunch was served at the boardroom. Later, he was ushered to a larger meeting room where the staff were assembled. More bows, handshakes, and pictures. Yuzuru came away with symbolic gifts, packages bearing the corporate logo, and a gigantic bouquet of blue, pale yellow, and white flowers. 

Yuzuru was exhausted by the time he got back to the van. At times, he found these PR events more tiring than actual practice. Although he never forgets to appreciate the effusive care and affection he receives from people who are essentially strangers, it was an effort to keep smiling and make small talk.

Yuzuru and his gifts were safely deposited back to his suite, and his team dispersed, duties to him done for the day. Javier wasn’t there and he didn’t expect him to be. Truth be told, Yuzuru had forgotten about him and all the complicated emotions he evoked. He had been preoccupied being Yuzuru Hanyu. The cleaning staff had already been in the suite and there was no sign that two people had slept in the bed. Yuzuru remembered to call housekeeping for extra pillows. He puttered around, divesting himself of street clothes, and smiled when he found the note left on the desk. Following instructions, Yuzuru texted Javi that yes, he had a good day and, yes, he was back at the hotel. He would be in his suite for the rest of the day sorting through fan mail but Javi was welcome to come and hang out, if he wished.

Yuzuru did an hour of flexibility exercises, then took a shower, washing away the waxed stiffness in his hair. He put on a soft shirt and a pair of shorts and settled down to go through his fan mail, left over from the previous city. Half an hour later, Javi was knocking at his door.

Javier greeted him with a smile and touch to his cheek, as was usual. But leaning in for a quick kiss was new. 

“We kiss now?” Yuzu asked, eyes wide with surprise.

Javier smiled and kissed him again in response. Yuzuru closed his eyes and kissed Javier back. This is something he could very easily get used to. 

“Okay?” Javier said.

“Okay,” Yuzuru replied, a little breathless. 

Javier walked further in, hand trailing down Yuzuru’s arm as he passed him. 

“Are you doing that all night?” Javier asked, inclining his head to the pile of fan mail.

“Umm, until dinner, maybe,” Yuzuru said, still shaken from the unexpected kiss. “You can watch movie.”

Javier settled on the couch, lying down the length of it but didn’t pull up a film. Yuzuru moved his pile on the coffee table and sat on the floor with his back to the base of the couch, within easy reach of Javier who, sure enough, kept a hand on Yuzuru’s nape, his thumb stroking the sensitive skin, fingers occasionally running through Yuzuru’s hair. Javier liked skin contact.

At some point Yuzu got up to fetch the room service menu and they ordered dinner. He moved his pile off the coffee table when the food arrived and they sat on the floor to eat. Before they began, Javier leaned in. Yuzuru kissed him back. They finished their meal and the remains were cleared. Javier caught him by the waist as he was passing by and there were more kisses. They were small nips, nothing especially adventurous. Yuzuru liked the feel of Javier’s lips smiling against his. To Yuzuru, it seemed that Javier treated the kisses as a natural extension of their familiarity with each others bodies. Just as Javier felt free to touch Yuzuru, he now felt the same freedom to kiss him. Yuzuru wasn’t complaining. He liked kissing Javier. He liked that Javier can’t seem to stop, just as he was never quite able to stop touching Yuzuru. There is as much laughter and indulgence, as there was low-key arousal. His skin felt sensitive, heated. But his heart was full and Yuzuru was smiling all evening.

They talked leisurely, Javier throwing comments around making Yuzuru laugh while he went through his pile. Javier fiddled with his phone. Yuzuru showed him particularly cute drawings. They were back to their normal routine but it was different. Javier was lying on Yuzuru’s couch like he belonged there. His touches were familiar but intimate. 

Javier had asked Yuzuru to stay with him for 3 weeks. One of those weeks had already passed. In that time, Yuzuru had gone from heartbroken to kissing Javier. They were slowly but steadily crossing barriers that had been in place for years, barriers that were there because they were rivals, because Yuzuru wanted them there, because Javier was always with someone else. 

They weren’t rivals anymore. Now Yuzuru wanted more. But the last obstacle was still there. Yuzuru was unsure where they were headed but this had the feeling of inevitability, like waves crashing on the shore. This had been building for a long time. Javi was both holding it back and advancing its cause at the same time, pushing a little each time. 

Yuzuru finished with his current pile and half turned to face Javier. His face was relaxed but the brown eyes were hooded, intent. Inside Yuzuru, heat pooled and radiated where there used to be warmth.

They both knew Javier wasn’t going back to his room tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! It's been a while. But since it _has_ been awhile, it was somewhat difficult to get back into the original tone of this fic. Especially since FaOI gave us sooooo much happy Yuzu and Javi content. It jarred with how I perceived them post PyeongChang. My head canon has shifted somewhat. I had originally started writing because I was full of sad for what-could-have-been, seeing how they grew apart over the years (based only from what little interaction we saw, of course) and wanted to give them a happier ending (or follow them to a logical conclusion, like in [Duty. Devotion. Self-Sacrifice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14821167)). But seeing them at FaOI just blasted all those sad feelings away. The entire ice show was a fic screaming to be written! How there was ZERO interaction in the first couple of cities and then BOOM! we were getting crazy content. Obviously, someone, at some point, snapped. The fic is practically writing itself LOL. 
> 
> The good thing was I already had 2 chapters written and just had to tweak it a little. Now that Yuzu is back in his cave and not distracting us with his presence, I hope to finish this fic soon. The chapter is rather short. This after I made everyone wait. Hopefully, you enjoyed it anyway :)
> 
> As always, drop me a line at the comments below or at onewhiteblossom@gmail.com. I love to talk.  
> Find me at [twitter](https://twitter.com/onewhiteblossom) for more Yuzu love.


	9. Reaching for Unknown Riches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier had allowed him to explore last night. And like a fledgling bird learning to fly, Yuzuru wanted to do more.

Yuzuru left Japan when he was 17, at a time when his classmates had already discovered the opposite sex and had long since began pairing off. Even before he rose to international stardom, Yuzuru had been popular in school. There was usually a love letter or two inside his shoe box at the end of most days. Despite his teenage hormones, aside from one forgettable incident when he was 15, he had managed to avoid most of the romantic attention. He simply wasn’t interested. All his energy and attention were focused on one thing.

Through the years, he had seen his fellow skaters enter relationships and when he could be spared time to think about it, he thought how messy it all was. Yuzuru had never doubted that loving Javi, being loved by Javi, would have given him happiness. But from what he could see, having had an unwitting front seat view of Javi’s relationships, these things take time and effort. Time and effort Yuzuru could not have afforded to give, not when he had medals to win. 

Yuzuru thinks that he had always loved Javier, if that is the word for it. He could not remember being anything else. But Yuzuru was a creature of intensity and focus. And he didn’t know how to give some of himself to Javier without giving all of himself. So he never did, content to keep Javier at a distance, to stay on this side of the wall despite knowing that there were unknown riches beyond. 

Being with Javier now just affirmed what Yuzuru had already known all these years: he could not have skated as he wanted to if he was with Javier. The difficulty of navigating their rivalry aside - which itself is not a small thing - being with Javier was too distracting. It made him happy, yes, but his skating would have suffered for his inattention. And he very likely would have resented the reason for his distraction.

But he was not competing now. And the demands of an ice show are far, far less than an ISU sanctioned competition. He can now afford to have quiet nights just enjoying Javier’s company, not needing to conform to rigid training and rest schedules, maintaining mental focus at all times with his mother and team a near constant presence.

Javier had allowed him to explore last night. And like a fledgling bird learning to fly, Yuzuru wanted to do more.

“I know that look,” Javi said from his reclining position on the couch.

Yuzuru lips curved into a smirk, pleased with how well Javi read him. “What look?” he asked, innocent tone belied by eyes full of mischief.

“ _That_ look,” Javi said. “You want something. And you expect me to say yes.”

The fact is, Yuzuru _did_ expect Javier to say yes. It wasn’t often that Yuzuru initiated play with Javier, training had taken up much of their time together. But when he did, Javier was usually a very willing partner-in-crime, readily taking his hand and matching Yuzuru’s lead. Javier rarely said no to Yuzuru. 

The one time he did - when it truly mattered - Yuzuru had been devastated.

Not now though. From the smile on Javier’s lips, the fingers caressing his nape, Yuzuru knew Javier will not deny him. 

“You _could_ say no,” Yuzuru said, head tilted to one side, tone considering. 

He moved slowly towards Javi, then sat up on his knees, looking down at him. Javi moved his hand to Yuzuru’s waist, steadying him. 

“Don’t say no,” Yuzuru whispered, before he bent down and kissed Javi. 

This was unlike the chaste, playful kisses of the evening. Yuzuru met Javi’s lips open-mouthed, his tongue wet against Javi’s lips, seeking entrance. Javi obliged. Yuzuru sighed into the heat. Their tongues swept against each other, teeth clacking together until Yuzuru found a better angle. Yuzuru explored Javi with his lips, his tongue, with far more confidence than he had last night. Yuzuru was a fast learner and this was something he found pleasurable and very much wanted. He scraped his teeth on Javi’s lower lip and sucked, laving it with his tongue, and Javi made the same choked hissing sound Yuzuru remembered from last night. 

Yuzuru pulled back. Last night they had kissed in the darkness. Yuzuru had lost his head, overwhelmed. Now he wanted to see Javi in the warm light, see what he looked like after Yuzuru had kissed him, after he made that sound like he wanted to eat Yuzuru alive. Javi’s lips, which had always been full, now looked red and swollen; his cheeks flushed. There was knowledge in the dilated eyes. Yuzuru could feel Javi’s hand on his lower back where it had burrowed under his clothing, fingers kneading firm muscles, grazing the top of his rear.

Yuzuru stood up. He swept one leg over Javi’s prone body and settled himself over him, straddling his hips. He clutched at the hem of Javi’s shirt, bunching the fabric up.

“I want to see you,” Yuzuru said. 

In answer, Javi lifted himself a little so Yuzuru could peel the shirt over his head, throwing it carelessly on the floor. Yuzuru spread his hands over Javi’s bare chest, feeling the muscles tense at his touch. He knew this chest, he’d seen it, touched it. He’d seen it sweating in countless locker rooms, dripping wet from the showers. He’d been held against it a thousand times. In tears, in comfort, in joy and laughter. Like everything else that’s been happening to them, it was familiar but different. 

He grazed one nipple with his finger and felt Javi’s body seize in reaction. He touched it again, deliberately this time, and smiled when Javi made the choked hissing sound he was beginning to love. His eyes followed his fingers, tracing each peak and valley, fascinated by the feel of hard muscles under warm skin. He wondered how it would feel to run his fingers through the curls that Javi sometimes let grow when there are no competition or ice shows. Yuzuru thought he will have to find out.

Yuzuru tore his gaze from Javi’s chest to meet his eyes. There was hunger there. And patience. Yuzuru slowly lowered himself on Javi, bracing himself on one hand, the other winding itself through Javi’s short curls. Yuzuru kissed him again, loving the feel and taste of him. He broke off to trail kisses down Javi’s jawline, the beginnings of a stubble scratching his lips and skin. Yuzuru followed the line down Javi’s throat, mouthing the corded muscles. 

_Mine_.

Yuzuru stopped at the thought. It was fierce, burning. He had believed that he had to give Javier up, that he had no choice but to be happy for him be happy with someone else. But the idea has become unacceptable, the way winning silver was unacceptable.

 _Mine_.

He tucked his face against Javi’s neck, shaken by the realization. 

“Done exploring?” Javi asked after a while, scratching his fingers at Yuzuru’s scalp. 

Yuzuru made a sound, muffled against Javi’s neck. 

“Okay?” Javi asked, concerned this time. He tried to lift Yuzuru’s face but he resisted, burrowing further against Javi’s neck. Instead of pushing, he felt Javi move beneath him, shifting to better carry Yuzuru’s full weight against him. 

Javier can read Yuzuru’s moods exceptionally well. This was in good part because Yuzuru seldom bothered to hide his true self from him. Javier got the full impact of Yuzuru being Yuzuru - the angelic smiles, the playfulness, the bloody single-mindedness, all the sweetness as well as the sharp edges. Over the years, Javier had come to know what he needs usually even before Yuzuru can even articulate it to himself. Once they had stopped being rivals on the ice, Javier had become even more generous in dealing with Yuzuru.

Yuzuru could _probably_ find someone who could understand him as well as Javier did. Other people like his mother, Brian, and Kikuchi-san know how to handle him. It will likely take years and Yuzuru would have to open himself up but it _could_ happen. It is not an impossible task. 

But Yuzuru finds he doesn’t want anyone else. No matter how suitable, how socially acceptable.

“You know,” Javi said after a while, “there is a perfectly good bed in the other room.”

“I like it here,” Yuzuru said, face still against Javi.

“You’re not exactly light, Yuzu.”

“It’s muscle, not fat.”

“And I’m not as young as I used to be.” 

Yuzuru snort-giggled and snuggled more.

“Some people just attack you while you lie there.”

“Hey!” Yuzuru said, finally lifting his head. He slapped Javi on the upper arm, none too gently. 

Javi just grinned at him. Yuzuru smiled back. 

Yuzuru got up, then pulled Javi up by the hand. He led the way to the inner room. 

Yuzuru stopped in the middle of the bedroom and leaned back. Javi caught him. Yuzuru smiled, mischievous and self-satisfied. He knew Javi would support his weight. 

“We have practice tomorrow,” Yuzuru said, angling his head back to Javi.

They sorted through their schedule with one of Javi's arms wrapped around him from behind, his other hand still holding Yuzuru’s. It would be the same opening and ending numbers and both of them were using the same program from the previous city. They won’t need extra practice time, just the usual blocking and program run throughs. Javi would have to go back to his room in the morning to change his clothes and grab his gear but they had planned to have breakfast at the same time and go to the venue together. They agreed on the time to wake up. 

“Do you need sleep clothes?” Yuzuru asked, finally stepping away from Javi. 

Javi shook his head. 

“Should I put my shirt back on?” He was just in a pair of soft drawstring pants.

Yuzuru laughed, delighted. “Only if cold. I like you this way.” He gave Javi a kiss before he went to use the adjoining bathroom.

Yuzuru spied himself on the mirror and was surprised at his reflection. His cheeks and mouth area were reddened, the sensitive skin scratched by Javi’s stubbles. His lips were still swollen from the kisses. He touched his face, loving the tender sensation. It made everything that’s happening between them feel more real. 

But beyond the marks on his skin, Yuzuru looked like he was lit up from within. His eyes were bright and he was practically glowing. He smiled at his reflection, giddy with happiness. 

This was what Javi could see earlier. Yuzuru soft, happy, in love. 

The cool water soothed the redness on his skin and by the time Yuzuru came out of the bathroom, they had already mostly subsided. It seemed a shame. Yuzuru liked them.

While Javi used the bathroom, Yuzuru checked his phone and saw a message from his mother. He called the number. Yumi was happy to hear from him. He said he was okay; he asked about his father, his sister and nephew. They talked about the new brand that wanted Yuzuru to do a CM for them. 

Javi came out of the bathroom while Yuzuru was still talking on the phone. Yuzuru watched him get in bed and sit back, propped against the pillows, waiting for Yuzuru to finish with his call. He smiled at Yuzuru.

Yuzuru smiled back, helpless to contain it. 

Yuzuru weighed his options. He knows that if he is to have a future with Javier, he would need his mother on his side. Yumi knows her son very well. And she wasn’t blind. This thing between Yuzuru and Javier has been there since the beginning. That it never progressed was only by Yuzuru’s choice, but it had always been there. 

“ _Okaasan_?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I bring Javi when I go home next week?”

“Javi? Of course! We’d be happy to have him over. Will he stay overnight?”

“Yes. The two nights, probably.” The skaters had break from Monday to Wednesday.

“That’s good. Are you having a good time together at the shows?”

“Yes, it’s been very good. _Okaasan_?”

“Yes?”

“You saw my interview the other day? They asked me if I was ready to date and settle down?”

“Oh, yes. You looked cute,” she said, teasing.

“I don’t want to look for anybody else. I know who I want.”

There was silence on the other end. 

“Oh. I see.” Another pause. “You are sure of this, Yuzuru?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“Can I… can I still bring Javi next week?”

There was no pause this time, just warmth and some measure of fond exasperation. “Of course, Yuzu. Come home, both of you, and we’ll sort things out.” 

When the call ended, Yuzuru’s throat was tight with emotions. Relief and satisfaction at having taken the first step. Love and gratitude for his mother’s understanding. Worry and uncertainty at where exactly he is with Javier. 

He looked towards the bed where Javi was waiting.

 _Mine_. 

“Everything okay? Something wrong back home?” Javi asked, concerned at whatever he was seeing in Yuzuru’s face. 

“No,” Yuzuru answered, shaking his head. “It’s good. Very good. _Okaasan_ said Javi okay to visit.”

Yuzuru joined him in bed, not bothering with the pretence of space between them. He curled himself against Javi’s side, entwining their fingers together. 

“Are you happy, Javi? When with me?” Yuzuru asked, seeking confirmation of what he can already see because sometimes you need to hear the words. 

“Yes, Yuzu. You make me happy.” Javier said; his smile soft, the tone gentle.

“Me too,” Yuzuru said, pleased with the answer and beaming in response. 

Yuzuru looked down at their twined fingers. His hand was noticeably smaller, the fingers long and slender, much like how his body was fit but slight compared to Javier’s more muscular form. They each made a beautiful foil for the other, the contrast just highlighting each other’s appeal.

Yuzuru wanted to hold this hand for the rest of his life. 

“Javi, you said stay for three weeks.”

“Did I?” Javi said.

Yuzuru shifted, looking at Javi in surprise. They faced each other in the soft yellow light of the table lamp. He couldn’t read the expression in Javi’s face. 

“Javi! You said stay with you three weeks! Then I can do what I want,” he said, almost indignant. 

Yuzuru had been conscious of the passing days, aware of the looming end. He had agreed to do the ice shows for 2 more months precisely because he wanted more time with Javier. But he didn’t really know if they would spend that extra time the same way they do now. Yuzuru feels that he has been given a gift of time with Javier and didn’t know what to expect beyond it. 

What he _does_ know is he wants more. More than 3 weeks. Much more than 2 months.

“What do you want to do after?” Javi’s hand had tightened on his.

“I want to be with Javi,” Yuzuru said firmly. “Like this.” Yuzuru kissed him, leaning into his space. 

Javi kissed him back. Yuzuru thought that surely, _surely_ , this meant something. 

“Alright. We can be together like this,” Javi said. He cupped Yuzuru’s face and leaned in for another kiss, stressing the point. 

Yuzuru paused, bemused. He had been expecting a discussion. Yuzuru had been primed -- not for a fight exactly -- for a need to convince Javi at least. But Javi had agreed so readily. 

“Javi, I don’t share. I’m greedy and selfish. What’s mine is mine,” Yuzuru felt obliged to warn. 

Javi laughed, the sound unexpected but nevertheless made Yuzuru flush with pleasure. He made to pull Yuzuru closer but he resisted. 

“I’m serious, Javi,” Yuzuru said, confused by the ready acquiescence. 

“I know. I do mean it,” Javi said. He tucked Yuzuru’s his hair behind one ear. 

_Oh_. 

Yuzuru could never tell the difference between the Javier now and the Javier that used to love him all those years. Javier smiled at him in the same way, cared for him the same way, held him the same way. Javier hadn’t changed. Their dynamics had changed now only because Yuzuru had. It was never Javier. 

Yuzuru can see in Javi’s face the same light that he saw in his reflection in the mirror, turning the brown eyes soft with love for him. 

“You love me.” Yuzuru said with wonder. It wasn’t a question. 

“I love you.”

“Oh.”

“You won’t marry her.” Yuzuru said, “You won’t or you won’t be here. You’re not that kind of person.” Yuzuru said slowly as he realized things. 

“No.”

 _Oh_.

“Javi!! When you tell me?!” Despite the relief and elation, Yuzuru was aghast. Indignant. 

“I was waiting,” Javi said placatingly, rubbing one hand soothingly on Yuzuru’s back.

“Waiting?! Javi! You are so bad!” Yuzuru said, shaking him.

Yuzuru would have protested more but Javi was already kissing him. And the words got swallowed in the flames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you all still with me? Let's do a poll. When do you think Javi changed his mind about the wedding? ❁◕ ‿ ◕❁
> 
> As always, drop me a line at the comments below or at onewhiteblossom@gmail.com. I love to talk.
> 
> Find me at [twitter](https://twitter.com/onewhiteblossom) for more Yuzu love.


	10. A Man in Love is a Gambling Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Javier gambles on three weeks with Yuzuru.

[Hello, Javi. Call me when you can.]

Javi received the message over an hour ago but he only just arrived at his hotel room from practice. He checked the time. It would be just before noon in Madrid. Javi opened his laptop and fired up Skype, checked she was online, and made the call. The line connected and Javier did a small wave when he saw her. 

She was not classically beautiful. Her lips were too thin, too wide. But she had beautiful eyes with long lashes, and dark brown, shoulder length hair that she used to wear longer, down to the middle of her back. She cut it a few months back after she and Javier had an argument and he knows she regretted it almost as soon as she did it.

“Hey,” he said by way of greeting.

“How are you? You look good,” she said, a little hesitant.

“I’m doing okay. You?” he asked.

“I wish I could say the same,” she said, lips twisting in a self-mocking smile. “How’s the ice show?” she asked.

“It’s good,” Javier said, nodding a little. “We got one city down and everything went fine.”

“How’s Yuzuru?” she asked.

“Cara --” Javier began but she cut him off.

“Please, Javi. I’ve tried to give you space, I really did, but we need to talk about this,” she said, tone turning desperate. “It’s just cold feet, baby. When you come home, you’ll see,” she said placatingly.

“I haven’t changed my mind,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. Please don’t cry,” he said.

He had called her a week ago. It was much later than their usual time, very late for Javier in Japan. Or rather very early in the morning for Javier, after he had spent most of the night awake, thinking about what he really wanted. But she answered anyway, happy to hear from him. 

She wasn’t as happy to hear what he had to say. 

He knew he should have gone back to Madrid and told her in person. She deserved that. But he didn’t have time. Javier would be in Japan for the ice shows for several weeks and there was someone crying somewhere in that same hotel that he could not comfort because he was tied. 

So while she deserved better, Javier could not wait.

Javier listened to her pleas now but they have gone over all of this already. They talked for over an hour that first time, and then again when she called the following day, hoping his mind has changed. In tears, she had asked for time, insisting it was just cold feet, that it would pass. 

He couldn’t fault her for not believing what was happening at the time. He had called her earlier that day and they ended, as they usually did, with Javier telling her he loved her. 12 hours later, he called to say he’s sorry but he can’t marry her. He probably appeared irrational to her, like one of those whose bodies were snatched by aliens and replaced by someone else, someone who looked like Javier but wasn’t Javier. 

But how was he to know that Yuzuru would knock on his door and turn his world upside down?

In the week since, Javier has berated himself a dozen times over for landing himself in this situation. He knew Yuzuru. He operated by pursuing goals he set for himself. Javier should have known what Yuzuru would do after his retirement. The problem was that Javier hadn’t known _himself_ well enough. Living apart these past 3 years, he had conveniently forgotten how much Yuzuru moved him.

After Yuzuru had left his room that night, Javier sat in the dark, full of conflicting emotions. At the heart of his anger at Yuzuru was resentment, that Yuzuru thought he could just waltz back into Javier’s life, say pretty please, and take Javier’s heart back. Making a mockery of Javier’s years of struggle to free himself of Yuzuru. 

But seeing Yuzuru break down had stripped Javier of that defense. That was no ploy. Yuzuru had sobbed like his heart was breaking and Javier’s couldn’t help but break as well in response. Javier had spent years making Yuzuru laugh, years wiping away his tears, taking Yuzuru’s pain for his own, telling him things will get better. Until put to the test, Javier hadn’t realized he never learned how to stop.

That left him with a choice to make. And it truly was a mockery of the life he had lived these recent years that the choice was so easy.

There were matters to consider. They did not exist in a vacuum. Their family and friends had all been told about the wedding. They had already made reservations for the church, and downpayment for the reception venue. She had given up her flat just last month and had moved into Javier’s. That’s where she was right at the time, in his bed, in his flat, taking care of his cat. They have a joint savings account. Javier had extended a business loan to her brother. So many things that tie them together. 

But all of them paled in comparison to the knowledge that he had to tell her, a woman who has done nothing but love Javier and do her best to make him happy, that he cannot marry her because there is someone else.

He made the call and it was far more brutal than he was expecting. Javier had always thought of himself as a kind man, a good man. But that night, he came close to hating himself. She had cried, and pleaded, and asked why, and hurled accusations but Javier had nothing to give her. Just that he is sorry, so sorry. 

His next call was to his best friend, Jorge, who had called him _estupido_. He told Javier to get a grip, call her again, take it back, it’s just nerves. He said if Javier had met someone cute in Japan then just go have a final fling and get it out his system but no need for this drama! 

Javier mentioned Yuzuru’s name. 

His best friend -- the one who has known Javier since before they discovered girls when they were 12, the one who has a secret stash of blackmail information on Javier spilled during drunken nights, the person Javier calls when he lands himself in messes -- Jorge said “oh, fuck,” followed by a heartfelt “you are so screwed, Fernandez.”

Javier managed to get a couple of hours sleep before he had to get up for practice. He didn’t see Yuzuru in the dining area. Javier grabbed a couple of toasts and headed to the rink, and, sure enough, Yuzuru was already there, looking beautiful on the ice. 

In all the years he had skated, Javier has never seen anyone as beautiful as Yuzuru on the ice. He pitied everyone who hadn’t had the privilege of watching Yuzuru skate when he was just enjoying the feel of the ice beneath his skates. There is an unconscious grace and fluidity to his movements that is different from when he is following a program and trying to squeeze points from judges.

Javier skated up to Yuzuru. If Javier had any doubts about his decision, they would have fled in the face of the sadness he saw in Yuzuru’s eyes. Javier ached to see Yuzuru like this. 

At the same time, there was something so very wrong with what he was seeing. Yuzuru looked defeated.

Through all the years they have competed together, he had never seen Yuzuru like this. Not when Javier wrenched the Worlds title from him in Shanghai, not when he won again in Boston. A Yuzuru Hanyu who got silver is not a defeated one. His lips would firm together, his eyes flash with barely concealed frustration, alternately standing still for the cameras and hyper-moving with unchanneled tension. Yuzuru would spare some time for angry, frustrated tears - usually in Javier’s arms, slam his locker door, cradle Pooh-san for comfort then throw himself on the ice again for another shot at the title. 

This Yuzuru, with his slumped shoulders and resigned air, was something else. 

Yuzuru had resigned himself to losing Javier. It hurt to realize yet again that while he was important to Yuzuru, he wasn’t important enough to fight for. 

And it made Javier mad. 

He video called Jorge again later that day. His friend sat back and knitted his brows at him.

“What exactly are you hoping to happen in these three weeks, Javi?” 

Javier shrugged, his face and shoulders expressing a range of emotions. “For Yuzu to love me,” he finally said.

“I thought he already does?” Jorge said, scratching the back of his neck. “Isn’t that why you broke it off with Cara?”

“No, that’s different,” Javi said, shaking his head. “That was on me. I broke it off because I want this chance with Yuzu.”

“But you don’t think he loves you?” Jorge said, uncertain.

Javi answered quietly, choosing his words. “I don’t think he knows how to. He’s never been in a relationship before. I’m all he’s ever had. And God knows I’ve spoiled him.”

“Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, Javi.”

“He didn’t fight for me, Jorge! He didn’t even ask me to choose him. He said he’d send me a wedding gift and wish me well on my marriage. I mean what the fuck?!” Javi said heatedly. “And then this morning he says he doesn’t want to see me again. Ever. He’s not doing Revolucion. And I’m not allowed on his show,” Javi ranted. “He’s cutting me completely out of his life, Jorge. I wanted to shake him!” 

“Except you love him. And you’re whipped.”

“Except I love him and I’m whipped,” Javi agreed with a heavy sigh. “I don’t even know if this is really about us. He retired on an injury. He’s clinging to familiar things.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, Javi. From what I see, Yuzu has feelings for you.”

Javi sighed again. “Of course, he does. But I want him to realize what those feelings are. I want him to want to be with me. _Really_ want to be with me. Because God knows it won’t be easy.” Javier knows that Yuzuru will have difficulty with any relationship considering his near rock star status in Japan, but being with another man would only make it doubly so. 

“I want him to want me to be with him. I know he may not get as jealous as we can be but fuck it, Jorge, he practically gave me away!” Javi exclaimed, still hurting. 

“Is that too much to ask?” Javier finally said, more a wish than a complaint.

Jorge looked at him, considering. “Alright. But don’t let this blind you. You said yourself he’s never been in a relationship before. You’re the adult here. Don’t push him too much that you push him away. Just grab him now and spend the next 50 years teaching him how to love you.”

Javi nodded.

“You sure about this, man?”

“I’ve loved him for years, Jorge. And now I find out he’s within my reach. What would you have me do? There’s no choice for me.”

The week that followed was an exercise in patience and restraint. 

He ached seeing Yuzuru cry. 

That first night in Yuzuru’s suite, Javier had whispered “ _soy tuyo, Yuzu, por favor no llores, soy tuyo_ ” over and over as he held Yuzuru through his tears. _I’m yours, Yuzu, please don’t cry, I’m yours_.

Javier watched Yuzuru's face when he fell asleep, gently stroking his hair. His eyes were puffy, eyelashes wet from tears, nose red from blowing. Javier spent the next hour contemplating the choices he made in his life that led him here. There was bitterness in the back of his mind at the memory of a woman in tears pleading with him, but it was all but overwhelmed by the hope and tenderness he felt looking down at the sleeping man pillowed on his lap.

He fell asleep at one point, exhaustion claiming him. When he woke up with a crick in his neck, the movie had long since finished and Yuzuru was still asleep. It was late. He woke Yuzuru up and tucked him in bed with a whispered _te amo. I love you_. 

But outside of Yuzuru’s presence, Javier’s guilt got the better of him and he spent another night contemplating his sins.

During the day, it was obvious that something was wrong with Yuzuru. He kept away from the other skaters. He stood in one corner staring down at the ice or skated by himself around the rink. He sometimes got like this when he wasn’t happy with his performance, actual podium placement notwithstanding. Yuzuru was never happy if he flobbed a program, even if he got the gold. The veterans know to keep away when Yuzuru was like this. There’s no talking to him in this mood. And the younger ones are too intimidated to approach. 

The unusual part was Yuzuru gave a beautiful final skate in Worlds and he was happy enough when he first came over for practice the other day. Javier found himself subjected to eyebrows raised in inquiry, thumbs and heads motioning to the silent figure circling the rink. Javier smiled to show he didn’t think there was anything to worry about but shrugged to say there’s nothing he can do about it.

It didn’t surprise him that almost everyone looked to him when it came to deciphering Yuzuru Hanyu. There was a point, once upon a time, when he felt resentful of his role as Yuzuru’s keeper. By then Yuzuru was no longer a chubby cheeked teenager and was more than capable of taking care of himself without help from Javier. This was at the height of their rivalry and Yuzuru had already turned him down. Javier was frustrated in his skating, frustrated at seeing Yuzuru walking around naked - or practically naked - and not being able to do anything about it. 

But that was a long time ago and Javier had already gone full circle. He now finds pride and satisfaction again in being known as the most important person in Yuzuru’s life. The man who knows him best. 

The people in skating circles often treated them as pair. Where there is one, the other is sure to be. Sometimes it is deliberate like when he is paired with Yuzuru in ice routines or a photographer would call them to take a picture together. Sometimes it is more subtle, like how the seat beside him is always left vacant during group meal times until Yuzuru could claim it.

Misha was one of the very few who approached Yuzuru but he gave up after a while. He skated to Javier instead with an inquiring eyebrow and was unimpressed with the smile and shrug routine.

When Javier got to Yuzuru’s suite that night, Yuzuru was already crying. He took Yuzuru in his arms, maneuvering to drop the backpack on the floor without letting go of Yuzuru. They stood just inside the closed door. Yuzuru sobbed in his neck and Javier placed small kisses on his temple. Yuzuru’s hair was wet, the neckline of his shirt more drenched than damp, as if he put it on without bothering to dry his hair first.

When the tears abated a little, he ushered them to the sofa. Yuzuru perched on the seat, both feet up on the cushion, knees drawn up to his chin, slender hands worrying an already wet tissue. He watched as Javi set up the tv and loaded a movie, sniffling the entire time. The moment Javier sat down, Yuzuru came to him with a sob. Yuzuru’s hair wet Javier’s pant legs, the wet patches cold on his skin, but he didn’t mind. He ran his fingers through the silky black hair, drying it as well as giving comfort. Yuzuru didn’t last long. Javier made him blow his nose when it became clear he was drifting off and Yuzuru fell asleep soon after.

While he slept, Javier thought about the next steps. An announcement about the broken engagement can wait but he needed to tell some people before they could incur expenses for a wedding that will not take place.

Javier sighed, long and deep. Seeing Yuzuru cry was killing him. If this doesn’t stop he will throw away his pride and just take whatever Yuzuru can give him. He is sure that Yuzuru loves him, in his own way. That will have to be enough. 

When he got back to his room after tucking Yuzuru in bed, it was late for Japan but lunchtime in Toronto. He video called Tracy.

“Javi! What time is it there? It’s must be so late. You look awful, sweetie.”

Javier looked at her concerned face and felt better. It was so easy to be enveloped in her warmth, even across time zones.

“I’m okay, just haven’t been sleeping well,” he smiled wanly.

“Is anything wrong?” she asked.

“No, no, things are okay. I just wanted to let you know I’m not getting married anymore.”

“Oh, Javi. Sweetie…”

“No, I’m okay, Tracy. This is what I want. We haven’t announced things yet. But I didn’t want you to buy plane tickets and book hotels. Not for my wedding anyway. It’s not happening. But you’re always welcome in Madrid,” he said, smiling to show he meant the invitation.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No, this is really what I want. I’m not heartbroken or anything. There’s just a lot of things to process and I’m not getting enough sleep. I promise I’m okay."

They ended the call with another promise from Javier to call if he needs someone to talk to. 

He called Brian next. It went much the same way except that Brian knew them better than Tracy did.

“How’s Yuzu?” Brian asked. 

He had been surprised and sympathetic when Javier first told him the news but it was obvious that beyond the circles under his eyes, Javier wasn’t exactly distressed.

Javier felt himself blushing under Brian’s steady gaze.

“He, uh, we’re working something out.”

Brian raised his eyebrows.

“This is the first time you saw each other since he retired. Since you became engaged.” 

Javier would have rolled his eyes at Brian stating the obvious but he was too busy evading the knowing look in his eyes.

“Well,” Brian finally said with a sigh, “you’re both adults. You more than him. Just be careful not to break things that can’t be mended, okay?”

Javier nodded.

“You know I love you both. Nothing would please me more than to see both of you happy.”

Javier ended the call with a feeling of relief. Telling others of the change in his circumstances made it more real. Seeing Tracy gave him comfort but Brian made him brave. Brian had always been very good at that, reading them then telling them what they needed to hear.

The next day, Javier was glad for the few hours he was actually able to sleep after his call to Toronto. It was their first ice show and he needed the rest. His muscles were more cooperative as a result, his jumps more stable. Some days he could almost understand why Yuzuru eschewed romantic relationships when he still competed. Their emotional state had a direct impact on their performance. 

Even Yuzuru seemed better. While not exactly back to his usual brightly smiling self, he was at least interacting with the younger skaters after 2 days of keeping to himself. Things got even better as the show started. Yuzuru was incandescent, flirting with the audience who howled in appreciation.

For the first time in days, Javier saw Yuzuru smiling and it made something inside him grow in response. He was grateful for the change. He knew that if he had to watch Yuzuru cry again because of him, he would not have been able to bear it. 

Javier video called his sister when he got back to his room. He felt pleasantly tired, still enjoying the rush from a successful show. 

“Are you serious, Javi?”

“Yep. It’s off.”

“Have you told mom and dad? Because I just talked to mom and I don’t think she knows.”

“No. I told Cara she can tell everyone she broke things off. I don’t mind. But she wants time before we announce things. She thinks I’ll change my mind.”

“Will you change your mind?”

“No.”

“Javi, maybe this is just cold feet --”

“No, Laura,” Javier interrupted her. “I know what I’m doing. This is what I want.”

“Hoo-kaay,” Laura said, exhaling. “You don’t seem broken up about it at least.”

“I’m not. She wants us to wait but I didn’t want you or mom to buy dresses or whatever for the wedding. I’m not telling them yet, I just called you.”

“Who else knows?”

“Jorge does.”

“She moved in with you!” Laura exclaimed, only just realizing the fact.

“Yeah, she’s in my apartment.”

“Crap, Javi.”

“I told her she can stay in it for a while. I’ll be here in Japan until June anyway. I’d be happy to move out and let her have it but I don’t think she’ll be able to afford the rent.”

“Why break it off? You seemed happy with her.”

“I love somebody else,” Javier said quietly.

Laura looked surprised. Javier has had women throwing themselves at him since before he hit puberty and Javier was a consummate flirt, but he was always respectful of his relationships. It was surprising that he would find someone while still being involved with someone else.

“Well, I guess you can’t really go off marrying her when you love somebody else,” Laura said trailing off.

“No, I can’t.”

Javier’s phone beeped. He frowned at the message. 

“I gotta go, Laura. Yuzu’s looking for me.”

Laura’s eyebrows rose. “Is _this_ about Yuzu?” she asked. 

“Yeah, it’s Yuzu,” Javier said. 

Javier walked to Yuzuru’s suite with Laura’s peals of laughter still in his mind. He smiled. Laura always did like Yuzuru best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So who guessed it right? (*＾∀゜)
> 
> Javi's chapter, including his conversation with Jorge, was written 3 months ago. I had always intended for things to run this way. I wrote each of Yuzu's chapter knowing that this was where Javi was coming from. If it seemed otherwise, it was Yuzu being an unrealiable narrator. But I hadn't realized it would take Yuzu 7 chapters to get to the point where Javi could feel Yuzu also loves him. I despaired of Yuzu sometimes... 
> 
> I hope you're all still enjoying the story. We're almost done. 
> 
> For real life concerns, I'm selling a BRONZE and CAT 1 All Events Pass tickets for Grand Prix Helsinki at a DISCOUNT. Also selling an All Event Pass for Autumn Classic International at a premium for a friend. Drop me a line at onewhiteblossom@gmail.com or find me at [twitter](https://twitter.com/onewhiteblossom)


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